Rachael H.
Photo provided by Rachael H.
If you’re reading this, you are made for this journey.
As I sat down to write this letter, I immediately felt the imposter syndrome hit. I am only a few months into my medical school journey and all the little thoughts started to creep in; “Who are you to write a letter, when you just started medical school?” “You aren’t ready to take this on,” “You aren’t smart enough”. I promise, if you picture what imposter syndrome looks like, I would be the poster child for it- and not in a good way. This has been a recurring theme for me over the past five months. It has felt so scary to start new things and start on a journey where I am so naïve to the process and everything we will experience these next four years that it's terrifying. It has also been a dream of mine since I can remember and I have never felt more blessed. This dynamic is an interesting one and something that I’ve really had to learn to grapple with recently. Sometimes I wake up to those overwhelming thoughts, and I feel as if maybe they picked the wrong person to come to their school, or that I’m just not good enough. It's been HARD. Medical school can be isolating; it’s hard to explain to anyone not in the bubble how your life narrows in these four years. The time allotted for significant life events, gatherings, and those fun trips you want to take dwindles. I think, especially in the first two years of medical school, it’s really easy to get sucked into the “tunnel.” With more limited patient interactions, it can feel like a slog as we plow through bugs and drugs, trying to learn all our pathologies.
While these are hardships I have faced over the past several months, these experiences and this incredible journey we get to be on has already taught me so much. I've learned the importance of balance now more than ever. In the first letter I wrote for IfYoureReadingThis, I detailed my mental health journey through my undergraduate career and being a student-athlete. Although that was one of the hardest time periods in my life, the skills, vulnerability, love, empathy and empowerment I learned from that time have served me so well in this new season of life. In that time, I turned to yoga and became a 200-hour certified yoga instructor, and I remember realizing how important it was to live my life as a human being, in addition to being a student-athlete. The lessons I learned during this period of my life have transferred over to medical school. I’ve learned the importance of consistently scheduling time to do the things I love, which makes me feel human again, not just a medical student. In turn, this directly affects my self-talk and my confidence in fulfilling and living out my dream. I am incredibly fortunate to continue teaching yoga (and now Pilates too!) while also discovering other new joy in sports. I recently had the privilege of running the New York City marathon, and it was in times like these and in an unforgettable race that I remembered the essence of the human spirit, and what it means to be a kind human in this world. Side note, but if you even want your faith restored in humanity, go spectate or run a marathon (and now I'm biased, but the NYC one to be exact). Intentionally planting other simple small joys throughout the week, like walking my dog regularly, Trader Joe's runs, and dinner club with friends, makes a world of difference. Truthfully, I want the people in my life to think of me and know of me as a hard worker, kind human, shoulder to learn on, listener, and lover. I don’t just want “medical student” to be the first thing that pops into their minds.
These activities that enrich my life outside of the incredible things we get to do each day to work towards becoming a doctor make me feel human again and help remind me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Even though it’s still so early in this process, I can more confidently say, I am here for a reason and I’ve lived my life in a way where my service to others is apparent. I was meant to be here, and you are too.
I hope you know how loved, strong, and resilient you are. Being in the healthcare field takes a special kind of person, and just know that if those self-limiting, negative, and intrusive thoughts come, they are not true to who you are and what you bring to this world. Remember you are a human first…always. That will never change and you deserve to live boldly, energetically, peacefully, lovingly and passionately not just now, but always. You were truly made for this. Yes the imposter syndrome might kick in and you might doubt yourself along the way, but staying grounded in who you are and everything you bring to this world will carry you through. This process is grueling, heartbreaking, cutthroat, unfair, and everything you can possibly imagine it is. To have gotten this far on this long and winding road and arrived on the other side (of a new journey!) is an incredible accomplishment, and a feeling that should not be lost on us. Never forget your “why” and lean into the people and things that never make you question it. I'm rooting for you always.
Rachael H., First Year Medical Student
Q: What is your most used coping strategy or technique?
A: Recently, my friends and I all got these stress cubes for each other because a sweet professor of ours brought stress balls into class one day, and we all demolished ours in a week. So, we all upgraded and they have been a game changer. These tools are helpful when lectures or other activities feel overwhelming. I seriously cannot recommend enough! Also, I am a HUGE proponent of walks. Whenever I get that huge overwhelming feeling and my breath can’t help ground me in the moment, if I have the ability to get up and move my body, it makes the biggest difference!
Q: What does mental wellness in medical school/training mean to you?
A: In medical school, I think mental wellness has a slightly different meaning, and that is rooted in the idea that we cannot help others and give them everything they need if we are not first “well” or “whole” ourselves. When I make daily decisions to pivot or come up with a new plan that is a bit better for my mental health, I know that in the long run it will pay off not just for me but for all the people I serve and want to show my best for. That helps motivate me to make those essential changes and ensure my own mental wellness is in check, as well as my friends’, classmates’, and colleagues.
Several studies have revealed that medical students, physicians, and healthcare professionals experience mental health symptoms at rates significantly higher than the general population. Stethos[Cope] is a chapter of IfYoureReadingThis designed to help medical students and professionals cope with the unique stressors of medical training and change the narrative of mental health in medicine.
To read more letters and interviews from students, and to learn more about mental health in the medical community, visit the Stethos[Cope] home page.