BU IYRT Team
Photography by Emma Kraus
If you’re reading this, we’re all figuring it out
Halfway into their second year of medical school, the IYRT team at Boston University Chobanian & Avedisian School of Medicine have written reflections on change, authenticity, boundaries, and fear
Diego L., President
If you’re reading this, change the way you see change. When I received my first medical school acceptance, I felt that long-awaited relief – finally, the days of uncertainty, anxious waiting, and detours were behind me. Everyone always said that getting in was the hardest part, and now I finally seemed to have a sense of clarity and direction for (what felt like) the first time. I believed that from here, change would come more predictably. It wouldn’t be as disruptive. It would be an iterative, culminating process amounting to something greater than the sum of stress and effort.
Once classes started, I was instantly met with setbacks, questions, and truths I wasn’t ready to face. The experience I had envisioned for myself was at odds with my reality. I focused on improving, on belonging, on justifying my worth to myself – and in this work I lost sight of the process. I searched for peace on the other side of achievement, I rested only when I could convince myself that I’d done enough, and I viewed “worth” as the principal existential question that demanded an answer.
Yet, peace was never a jewel to be found on the other side of achievement. It is a quietude and satisfaction that is cultivated and developed. Rest was never meant to be a reward for today, but an investment in tomorrow. Just the same, I did not need to wrestle an answer out of myself to satisfy the question of “worth”. Worth is unconditional. It extends beyond the labels and expectations we make for ourselves and reflects our capacity to see ourselves with dignity and forgiveness.
Change is not a force to be resisted. It is the evolving dialogue between yourself and your experience of the world; and when you change one, you also change the other.
Meg H., Vice President of Outreach
If you’re reading this, you are exactly the right size. “You’re just too much, Meg.” Not exactly a fun thing to hear, even worse hearing it repeatedly throughout my life. I remember around middle school when everyone started fitting themselves into specific molds, changing the way they dressed, talked, and acted. I desperately tried to fit in, but I failed miserably over and over. I was, and still am, a big personality, and it was really hard for me to make or maintain friendships. Being seen as myself became synonymous with rejection. It’s taken a long time for me to start embracing the vastness of my personality and presence. As I’ve gotten older, I realized that a lot of people are actually *scared* of loud, out-there people who take up space and say/do what they want. It isn’t that they don’t like us, it’s that we remind them of the limits that they put on themselves in order to fit in. We remind them of the shapes they won’t let themselves be. I AM a lot, and it’s not for everyone, but a big presence does not mean that you are too big. I am exactly the right size, and so are you.
Emma K., Secretary & Photographer
If you’re reading this, you are not always responsible for the happiness of others. Sometimes, I feel like my superpower is becoming the person that other people need me to be, shifting and shaping my attitudes and words to make the person across from me feel most comfortable. In the field of medicine, I feel confident that I can build relationships with patients quickly, chime in on conversations with the staff about a reality tv show, or make another nervous medical student feel a little less alone. Other days, I look in the mirror and feel like I really don’t know myself at all. When you spend so much time feeling like you are responsible for filling silences in conversations and the burden is on you to keep a relationship afloat, it slowly chips away at who you are. Being kind, adaptable, and compassionate is very different from feeling constantly responsible for the happiness of others and being tough on yourself when things don’t work out. It’s hard, and everyday I still find myself wondering what version of Emma is really me. But I like to hold onto words, and the following are some pretty good ones I reach for when I feel this way: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.
Mica J., Vice President of Editing
If you’re reading this, I wonder, when’s the last time you asked yourself what you’re so afraid of? I admit, I think about my own fear a lot. I notice when it holds me back from making progress toward the things I want, whether that’s success, friendship, or maybe a passion project. In all the back and forth, I have come to believe that one of the most courageous things one can do is simply take the first step. Then, it’s just one foot after the other. So… What’s one thing that is sitting there in the back of your mind? Something that you want to do but just can’t seem to start? Would it really take so much time if you just took the first step? If you reflect on why it’s so hard, do you think fear plays a part after all? Ironically, sitting down to write this simple message to you was very hard for me at first. I think I was afraid that my words wouldn’t be meaningful. I wondered what others were writing and whether I had anything valuable to add. I wondered what I could possibly say that might actually matter. When I finally sat down and let my freeform thoughts scatter haphazardly across the page, I let the fear melt away, and I discovered something I needed for my own personal peace after all. So, on the off chance this is something you relate to, remember: You’re not alone. I used to think that if I could just overcome fear, maybe I would finally be happy. But fear isn’t so bad, really. True courage is sitting with your fear and making it your friend. In recognizing fear for what it truly is, you take the first step forward.
IYRT Team, Boston University
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