Reuben S.
Photography by Cat White
Before reading, please know Reuben’s letter contains mentions of suicide or self-harm. If you feel reading this kind of content may trigger you, we suggest you read another letter, such as this one.
If you’re reading this, give yourself care and patience. You deserve it more than you know.
I’ve had a lot of misconceptions about my own mental health. I felt if I didn’t move on from the past then, perhaps I never would. “I should already have this all figured out and dealt with”, I'd tell myself. If I had a dip in my mental health, I'd fear for the worst. If I didn't have the energy for something or felt distressed, I'd become nervous. Vulnerability stung, and I worried that my traumas would follow me for the rest of my life. I was broken, and I would remain so.
In times where I now give myself care, I used to be cruel. Learning from my misconceptions has been a huge but difficult part of my healing journey, and I hope others can learn easier that you are allowed time and kindness to heal from your pain.
For the first two years of college, I battled with myself and my needs. Because I held the idea that I should have been this, or should have been that, I had trouble admitting what I was. I was fatigued, I would have breakdowns, and I struggled to get through each day. It reflected in my academic performance. Instead of giving myself care, I despaired. A lot of my trauma was from over a decade ago, and I held myself to the notion that “I should be better by now”. But, pain follows no timeline.
Still, I was angry with myself. Impatient. My mental health often got so bad that there were a few professional interventions, but I held onto my own harsh judgements until November 12th, 2024. Then, I had attempted. Cruelty did not discipline the pain out of me, and judgement could not dissolve it. In a pursuit to be better, I had reached my lowest point. So then, what instead?
How do you nurture what was never taught to do so? How do I care for what was not?
I won't lie, healing is hard. Healing is a nonlinear contemplation of yourself, the world, and more. And most daunting of all, there is no foreseeable end. In a sense, though, that is good. It means you are never behind on healing, because there is no due date. It means you're not overreacting, because it doesn't function on an objective scale. Every single individual is going through their own journey, as are you, and wherever you are in that journey is okay.
Celebrate every success. Be gentle towards every relapse. If you need support, reach out – there are people that care and people that understand. If you are taking longer in your journey than you think you should, be patient and kind towards yourself. It may take time, but it gets better. You will always have yourself in this life, and you deserve to carry that patience and compassion with you through whatever is next to come.
Reuben S., University of Virginia
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