Amanda K.

Photo provided by Amanda K.

If you’re reading this, remember your worth is more than a metric, you are more than a number. 

All my life I was struck by the numbers. My weight. My place in dance. My academics. The list goes on… Quantitative data may drive science forward— yet, I would argue to say it does not define trajectory, nor does it define value. Whether it’s personal- from your weight, your exam grades, your class rank, your age, the number of friends you have, or the number of reps you did at the gym- that does not define you or your success. A value is a value, it is as simple as that. 

What are we defined by then? We are defined by our character. We are more than a measurement. We are more than our weight, we are more than the number of miles we could run, we are more than the number of acceptances or accomplishments we achieved or publications we have. We are people, we are human beings, we are beyond the number.

Stories unveil symptoms. Stories show narratives. As a physician one day, I aim to look beyond the number and to truly hear and listen to my patient when they share their story. My patients will have pain, my patients will have etiology to that pain- that is just as valuable as their repeat blood draw showing a spike in their potassium. I aspire to take care of my patient, as a human being- I am proud to be on the way to do this one day as an Osteopathic Physician. Everyone deserves to be heard and seen- not just seen as another number on a chart.

Amanda K, 2LT US Army & First Year Medical Student

Q: How did you cope with the loss of your first patient?

A: Sweat dripping off my forehead, my arms getting numb, my hope dwindled down- it was 25 minutes of compressions, and my patient was not coming back. I remember this loss and every crippling emotion I had. I ran to the bathroom of the hospital and cried on the floor. I screamed “why” to thin air. It was unfair. My patient deserved another chance.

I remember it so vividly. I could feel the pain I felt that day and even thinking about it- a rollercoaster of anger and sadness. I am an empath after all- I feel every emotion and I feel it all so deeply. When someone is in pain- I feel that pain. Yet, this patient experience taught me something. It taught me to not bury my pain. It taught me that loss is inevitable, despite every effort to save someone. It taught me that life is not always fair, and it taught me that as healthcare professionals we must take care of ourselves too so we don’t feel this pain so deeply that it hurts us to keep going. So many people will depend on us. 

Prior to medical school, I worked as an EMT for a 9-11 service. 24 Hour shifts. Long calls. Hard calls… Sleepless nights. It was during this experience that I began coping with the loss of my patients or the poor outcomes that were out of my control. I journaled as an outlet- I still do to this day. I take my losses of patients to heart- because we all deserve a life full of happiness and a life that is long and well lived.

As a provider and as a physician one day, I carry those moments with me. They shape how I approach patient care—with humility, and with a steadfast commitment to doing all I can for those who entrust me with caring for their lives. These experiences have taught me not only resilience, but also emotional presence, and the importance of acknowledging grief in a field that so often asks us to suppress it.

Q:  What’s the best advice you’ve ever received for maintaining your mental health?

A: The best advice I have ever received about maintaining my mental health is that we cannot take care of others without taking care of ourselves. Throughout my premedical years, I made it a commitment to continue my passions and maintain my hobbies. Some of these include dance, being outside in nature, spending time with loved ones, and mentoring others who aspire to become clinicians one day.  I aim to continue my passions within my journey of medical school.

Q: How do you cope with the stressors of The Match?

A: Being a first-year medical student, it can be daunting to think down the pipeline of my match day in four years. Although stressful, it is incredibly exciting. I am a student in the HPSP program in the United States Army- so, I plan to Military Match. I aspire to explore avenues of specialty interests throughout medical school and enjoy every step of the way.

My biggest and final reminder to you is to remember you are worthy. You are deserving. You are valuable. You are more than a number. You are capable of your dreams and goals. I hope to continue translating my passion for a holistic approach into my practice of medicine one day. Feel free to explore this article I also wrote on “numbers in medicine” and to follow me on LinkedIn, so we can pursue our goals in support of one another.

Several studies have revealed that medical students, physicians, and healthcare professionals experience mental health symptoms at rates significantly higher than the general population. Stethos[Cope] is a chapter of IfYoureReadingThis designed to help medical students and professionals cope with the unique stressors of medical training and change the narrative of mental health in medicine.

To read more letters and interviews from students, and to learn more about mental health in the medical community, visit the Stethos[Cope] home page.