Riley I.
Photography by Sophie McDowall
Dear Reader,
Riley’s letter contains mentions of loss and suicidal ideation. We advise those who may be triggered by these topics to exercise caution when reading this letter. If you are struggling, please reach out to one of the resources listed on our Resources Page.
Sincerely, The Team of IfYoureReadingThisGeorgetown
If you’re reading this, you can figure this out.
I want to share insights that I wish somebody had told me in my low moments, insights that I wish I had told others. I hope they resonate with you for the better, and if they don’t, I encourage you to share them with somebody you know in a low moment.
I've struggled with grief nearly as long as I can remember. If loss is your struggle, you may feel like you no longer have those people that you really want to talk to. All you may want is a moment to say I love you. If I got really lucky, I would tell my brother all of the embarrassing things I’ve done in the past nine years so that we could laugh together. I would have Gaagaa teach me her Thanksgiving stuffing recipe, knowing just how much joy it would bring my mom. I would drink a glass of wine with Gips and listen to him talk golf. I would pester Pops with question after question after question, soaking up all his wisdom. Sometimes I think that only these unattainable moments would make me feel better. As real as these feelings may be, we cannot bring our people back. Appreciate those who have gone, and appreciate those who are still here. Missing them is the right thing to do, but opening up to others is a good choice. My advice: acknowledge your feelings of grief, and don’t let them consume you.
Coming into college with all of this loss, I kept a lot from my friends. I had acknowledged my grief, but only to myself. This all boiled over when my friend Audrey was diagnosed with cancer again. While we were never best friends or anything, Audrey and I had been in the same friend group for years. I knew her to be superhuman – strong, smart, thoughtful and down to earth. She turned her pain into power over and over and over again. I was devastated to think that she might not pull through. I thought of her everyday in the spring, tossing and turning at night. She passed away in June 2025. Grief tends to compound – each loss reminds you of the last. I felt overwhelmed with tragedy, both past and present, and I really didn’t want to talk about it. Letting your problems and your feelings consume you is not the solution. There is somebody out there that deserves your trust and can handle it – you are not a burden or a hopeless case. Maybe it's not your family, so maybe it's a high school friend or a roommate – it was just me, a therapist, and the nice doctor from student health for a while. Then slowly, I reached out for help with my depression, and after a year of working to figure it out, I feel less alone. My advice: talk to somebody, start small, and just tell them how you feel.
Now, I do want to take a moment to acknowledge some of the troubling things that may come along with a depressive episode or spike in anxiety. I was having panic attacks and flashbacks, skipping classes, and making myself sick. My thoughts were trying to convince me to just give up. One day, I was crying in the library, and while I was trying to be subtle, I clearly wasn’t – the guy sitting next to me handed me a stack of napkins. I blew my nose and felt a little better. That small act of kindness meant a lot to me, and I try to return that care to others whenever I can. If you are experiencing even a fraction of these mental health symptoms – disordered eating, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, snotting all over the library, losing motivation in school – talk to a mental health or medical profession. My advice: take a big breath in and an even longer breath out, saying to yourself, ‘I am safe.’
I found every part of college harder than I imagined. We cannot magically become our best selves, and I struggled to find patience for this journey that I am on. It takes a surprising amount of time and effort, and it still does. Whatever may be in your past or present that is weighing on you, it does not have to determine your future. The person that you want to be, the relationships that you want to have, the world that you want to create – it is still possible. Sadness is a part of it, but so is joy and peace and excitement. Maybe you don’t feel it right now, but these feelings are waiting in your path. You will figure this out. You might be able to figure it out alone, but you don’t have to. My advice: no matter how badly you want to give up, keep going, if not for yourself, then for all the people around you that love you.
My brother’s problems consumed him, passing away from a drug overdose when I was ten. I would love to tell him what I am telling you. The truth: You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. You are on the right track. You will figure this out. There are people rooting for you.
Love you dearly,
Riley I., Georgetown University
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