Kylie W.
Photo provided by Kylie W.
If you’re reading this, your struggles with mental health do not define you.
You are so much more. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are resilient. You have so many amazing qualities you add to this world. Focus on those and the rest will fall into place.
Earlier this year I was at what felt like my “rock bottom”. Living in a chronic state of “fight or flight” began to take a massive toll on my body. The stress hormones circulating throughout my body had gone on to make me very physically ill. I lost a ton of weight, developed a multitude of gastrointestinal issues, suffered from a constant headache, and experienced severe insomnia for the first time in my life. I was in the doctor’s office getting lab work, IV’s, and different types of imaging on most days during the month of March. I was grasping for the answer to WHY I was so physically ill. I didn’t think it was possible that my mental health could cause me to be this sick. Because mental illness and physical illness are two different things, right? Wrong. The mind-body connection is an amazingly powerful and interlinked system. My anxiety and panic attacks were consuming my entire brain which was fueling my body with stress hormones. There is no time for “rest and digest” when you’re in a constant state of “fight or flight”.
I remember thinking one day, as an emergency room nurse, ‘how am I supposed to continue taking care of other people for a living if I can’t even take care of myself?’. Somehow I was able to compartmentalize my own struggles at work, tough it out, and continue to do my job while providing safe and effective patient care. However, that one singular thought changed the entire trajectory of my “rock bottom”. I began to realize I wasn’t “living”- I was simply just trying to get through the day trying to ignore the anxiety and not have a panic attack. I started researching holistic healing modalities. I dove deep into nutritional/metabolic psychiatry and the effect that different foods and substances have on the body and brain. I learned that bodily inflammation has a strong correlation to our mental health. With that, I eliminated dairy, alcohol, all processed foods, and artificial sugars from my diet - I was already gluten free. I cut back on caffeine which was tough since it is an emergency room nurse’s lifeline. I began to set aside time for daily meditation and mindfulness. And of course, I continued to make exercise a daily priority.
Although I am still a work in progress, my “rock bottom” experience with my own mental health taught me the significance of the mind-body connection. It taught me the importance of using a plethora of modalities to help heal your mental health – it’s not just one thing. I have seen positive change come from these habit changes and have become so passionate about it that I am looking to continue my education and potentially become a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner. I think I could really help people like myself climb out of their “rock bottom” while simultaneously improving overall body health and wellness. Sometimes good things come from bad times. I have to believe that I was dealt this hand for a reason. I can make a difference for others.
Kylie W., Pediatric Emergency Room Nurse
Q: What advice would you give your younger self regarding coping and mental wellness?
A: Your struggles with your mental health do not define you as a person. You are not “less than” because of it. Or even better, you are not “too much” because of it. That belief is something I am still actively working on and moving through. For so long I have been ashamed of the anxiety and panic that lives within me. I’ve been too embarrassed to speak up and tell even my closest friends. What I know now is that keeping my struggles and emotions bottled up has only ever added pressure on me and ultimately made my internal anxiety worse. I was too embarrassed to seek help. It got to the point where I started to feel like I was living a double life. From the outside, I looked like I was just Kylie: an outspoken, sarcastic, and adventurous young woman. But on the inside, I felt like I had become the shell of a human. It was exhausting having to put on a show all day every day at school, work, home, the grocery store, a friend’s birthday party. Anywhere I went, I had to put on a show. When I finally found the strength and courage to speak up, share my story, and ask for help, an enormous weight instantaneously lifted off my shoulders. To my (pleasant) surprise, the outpouring of love and support I received was overwhelming. And ironically, it caused others to open up to me that they understood, they too are struggling/have struggled with their mental health. For those silently struggling like I was, I encourage you to dig deep and find the strength to open up. I know for sure you will, at the very least, feel less alone. I wish I had found that strength years ago. That said, no regrets, I’m getting stronger every day and I’m surrounding myself with people who accept me, scars and all.
Q: What is your most used coping strategy or technique?
A: Movement. Movement is medicine. Movement allows our bodies to release physical manifestations of stress. It releases the “feel good” hormones including dopamine that activate the pleasure center/reward system in our brains. And the best part is that it can be whatever feels best to you: a 20 minute walk outside with the sun shining on your face, sitting on a yoga mat in your living room between meetings stretching, running, weight lifting , cycling, taking a Pilates class, a pickleball match with your best friend, swimming in the ocean, hiking, skiing, etc. The first time is the hardest. After that, you’ll see that your body will naturally crave movement to release anxious energy and tension. It’s back to that mind/body connection – your body knows what you need, you just have to listen to it and take the literal first step.
Several studies have revealed that medical students, physicians, and healthcare professionals experience mental health symptoms at rates significantly higher than the general population. Stethos[Cope] is a chapter of IfYoureReadingThis designed to help medical students and professionals cope with the unique stressors of medical training and change the narrative of mental health in medicine.
To read more letters and interviews from students, and to learn more about mental health in the medical community, visit the Stethos[Cope] home page.