Kaylee M.
Photographed by Natinem B.
If you’re reading this, you’ve made progress.
When it comes to mental health, it is easy to feel like you are right where you started. I’ve struggled a lot with anxiety and depression, with many nights staring at the ceiling contemplating everything about life more than I can count.
When it comes to my anxiety, I can get stuck in cycles of rumination. The same thoughts just keep cycling, and often, they feed on my deepest fears. I tell myself that I haven't made any progress and that I am exactly where I was years ago. My thoughts are overwhelming, and they make me feel like the freshman I was in college who would have daily panic attacks. I get trapped in the memory of what it felt like, and I start casting a shadow on all my most recent memories.
Even memories with some of my dearest friends are filled with overanalysis. Moments that I should have phrased differently or feeling like my friends secretly hate me just because they raised their eyebrows. Logically, I know this isn’t true since I hang out with them nearly every day, but in the moments of frenzy, only the illogical survives. So, I end up just feeling alone, just how I felt all of freshman year.
I’ll lose sight of all my achievements, the fact that I’ve gotten a handle on my anxiety. Even though I’ve made a life for myself despite all the barriers and challenges I’ve faced and learned that I am more than my thoughts, my rumination can quickly throw all of this out the window.
If this has ever happened to you, you are not alone in this. More importantly, you are more than what the thoughts say because you have made so much progress. The smallest of changes in actions, mentality, or even behavior is progress, and true progress takes time. There is also nothing wrong with having these moments. Doubting yourself is normal and common with anxiety. Nonetheless, in the height of these moments, take a second to ground yourself, breathe, and think of one thing or habit that you have progressed in. It can be as small as drinking one more cup of water today, doing daily affirmations, or as big as consistent journaling and being more vulnerable. All it takes is the smallest break in the rumination cycle for the whole thing to collapse.
So the next time you find yourself in this situation or one similar, know that there is nothing wrong with feeling this way and that you are loved and evolving.
Kaylee M., Georgetown University
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