Cooper B.
Photography by Dominique Barret
Before reading this letter, we'd like for you to know it discusses Cooper's experience with sexual assault. If you think that reading about this will be distressing for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, you can read a letter on a different topic by returning to the Duke IYRT home page.
If you’re reading this, give yourself grace.
I write this letter as a perfectionist. As an individual striving for a future that feels so out of reach. As a human crumbling under the pressure of it all. We as students live in a terrifying world with even more terrifying expectations. And yet, we are supposed to succeed despite it all. Get the straight A’s, get the perfect internship, be adults when many of us gave up a childhood just to get where we are today. But, when those things don’t come, all we can ask is “why am I not enough”?
That’s the question I find myself pondering day after day: Why am I not enough? Am I not doing enough? Am I not being enough?
But what does it mean to not be enough? What even is enough? Where do these measurements of worth even come from? And most importantly, why do I let that dictate my life?
When I first came to Duke, like so many of us, I was at the top of my class, feeling on top of the world and ready to succeed with ease at the university level. However, reality came in and life began to take its toll. I was not ready for what was to come. Within my freshman year alone I faced falling outs with friends, a major depressive episode, a new mental health diagnosis and I was sexually assaulted. And yet, I had to keep going no matter how worthless I felt. To speak plainly, I felt like no matter how hard I tried I could not get my shit together. This translated into my coursework as well, where I got C after C on exams no matter how hard I studied. I was in survival mode that first year, desperately trying to breathe. But, it felt like the world was crumbling down on me. How could I be enough for the future me when I couldn’t even be enough for the present me?
If you asked the high school version of myself to predict my college experience, I promise you that is not what I would have said. My freshman year, I was in an oppressive cycle where my experiences were confounded by my insecurities. I began questioning my worth, my character and my meaning in this world. I did not feel like I was enough. I would ask myself how could I possibly get into medical school with the grades I was receiving? How could I deserve love when I was losing close friends? How could I be worth anything when someone thought it okay to touch me while I screamed no?
Today, I am still working through everything that has happened to me. However, I have been able to grow, to understand that the Cooper at that time was the best Cooper she possibly could have been. By societal standards she may have failed, but she survived and by my expectations that was all she needed to do. In sharing all this, I want to express the importance of self compassion. We are bombarded with expectations and comparisons to one another through everyday conversations to photos littering our social media. But I want you to reflect, to truly ask yourself what does being enough mean to you and where does that definition of enough truly come from? For certain, my definition has changed. To me, enough is defined by one’s ability to do their best and use the resources at their disposal. If that means zoning out during lecture one day, then that is that. If that means letting yourself cry after an emotional day, then that is that. Give yourself grace, to be the you that you can be at this moment in time, and give your past self grace, for the decisions you made previously or the experiences that still haunt you. As someone very dear to me once said, “Yesterday was the wisest you have ever been in your life until today.” To anyone reading, you don’t need to be perfect, to accomplish what society deems acceptable, simply give what you have, and take it day by day. If you’re reading this, give yourself grace.
Cooper B., Duke University
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