Ashley D.
Photography by Vinisha Velmineti
Before reading this letter, we'd like for you to know it discusses Ashley’s experience with self-harm. If you think that reading about this will be triggering for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, we encourage you to read a letter on a different topic, such as Dana’s letter. If you're reading this, your feelings are valid.
If you’re reading this, you are loved.
Sometimes it’s hard to realize the love around us especially when mental health issues get in the way. But love is everywhere. Love is in your friend’s laugh. Love is in our pets. Love is in the nice, sunny afternoon. Love is in sunsets. Love is a reminder and a reason to stay.
For a while, I forgot about the love around me. I isolated myself which led to my battle with depression and anxiety. There were times when I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. It was a rough time, to say the least. I struggled for years with self-harm and desperately tried to find ways to heal my pain.
As a Latinx woman, the stigma around mental health is extremely harmful. I felt that I couldn’t talk to my loved ones because they wouldn’t understand. Being raised by immigrant parents, the pressure to succeed and to be this ideal daughter was unimaginable. I felt that I was never enough and my mental health issues were just an addition to my failure. Simultaneously, I was also trying to accept my sexuality which added another layer to the struggle I was going through. I was in a constant battle with myself. Always in my head.
I didn’t try to tell anyone because I was scared to be judged or called crazy. One day, I had absolutely crumbled. I got a bad grade. Academic validation was the only thing that was saving me from myself. I drowned myself in my grades and being successful in school, but I was just running away from my problems.
When I got this bad grade, I started to cry uncontrollably. And obviously, at that moment, it wasn’t the grade in itself that was making me cry. It was everything that was piling on, and the bad grade was just the breaking point. This is usually the way it happens. There’s always one little thing that makes you reflect on everything you’ve been going through. At that
moment, it made me realize that I needed to tell someone. My teacher asked me to talk to me after school- she was trying to understand why I was crying about this grade.I told her everything.
The weight that was lifted felt so amazing. Her request to talk to me about my distress in her class was the love I desperately needed at that moment.
I wish I could tell you that it only got better after that but I don’t want to lie to you. This was the beginning of a rocky start to my healing journey. It was about another year of staying silent about my problems before I realized I needed to want to recover in order to recover. After some more battles like COVID, toxic relationships, and dealing with grief, things started to look up. I made a pact to myself that I would stop self-harming and find healthy ways to cope with my mental health. I started to realize that recovery wasn’t linear. It’s okay that I didn’t make my big breakthrough until 3 years after that conversation with my teacher. But that conversation was the first step in my healing journey. I stopped putting my mental health aside. I started prioritizing myself and focused on the love around me. It’s much easier said than done. But I’m very delighted to say I’m in a completely different place now.
I’m still on the path of healing but every day it gets a little bit easier. I’m currently 3 years and 5 months self-harm free. I’m in a great place with my family and have been pretty transparent about my mental health. I have accepted my sexuality and am happily with my girlfriend. I emailed that teacher 4 years after our conversation telling her she saved my life. I’m pursuing my passion for psychology to make mental health spaces safer for the ones in my community. I have a healthy relationship with the school I go to. I finally accepted that I was enough. I’ve found love everywhere. I hope you can find love too.
If someone hasn’t said this to you today then I will. I love you. You’re doing amazing. I think in college it’s pretty easy to drown yourself in school and forget to prioritize yourself. Check-in on yourself and your loved ones. It’s okay to not be okay. Everyone is doing their best and we are truly all in this together. Mental health isn’t something that should be put to the side. You are meant to be here.
You deserve to be here.
Ashley D., Virginia Commonwealth University
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