Sarah C.
Photography by Hannah Facenda
If you’re reading this, you are worthy.
As long as I can remember, I have grappled with perfectionism. Perhaps it was my own trauma response. If I was perfect, I was enough.
I can still recall the day I thought I was a failure at six years old. I got my first non 100% on a test. In my eyes, I failed. And if I failed, I wasn’t enough. In fact, my own mother had to call my college-aged sister to calm me down. In that moment, I still vividly remember grappling with my own feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy.
I guess you could say my perfectionist mentality began back then. To me, I had to be perfect, or I was nothing. Growing up in the family court system doesn’t help the fact I was already such a perfectionist. I had to be the perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect in every way.
My life consisted of seeing my own abuser by force, and going to therapy 5 times a week to rehash my life. I had to smile, nod along, and be perfect, in order to make it out. I knew college was a sense of freedom, and I felt you had to be perfect in order to get into a good school.
Having an unpleasant father in your ear and a part of yourself makes it hard to believe you are even close to perfect. It also served as a force to make me believe that I had to be perfect. Being a part of a court ordered family system only further perpetuated this to little me.
Flash forward to today, and that little girl brought me to BC. However, upon my arrival to BC I realized I was still keeping something from my past: a hyperfixation on perfectionism. I still had to be perfect. I couldn’t be anything but perfect. I continued to place absurd narratives on myself, and I still struggle with it to this day.
If you’re reading this, let this serve as a reminder you are enough as your whole self. You don’t have to be perfect, or the best, to be enough. You are already more than enough just being you.
Going to college at an institution like BC, we are blessed with so much. There are so many amazing opportunities, places to go, retreats to participate in, clubs to join, internships to apply for, places to serve, and research to do. Yet with this beauty, I always grappled with this nagging feeling. It seemed no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. I could join every club, be on every E-Board, take advantage of every opportunity possible, study abroad, be a part of lots of retreats, service trips, everything, but for some reason, I still wasn’t enough.
I decided the way to cope with this was to intentionally nip that evil voice in the back of my head. I began to reflect: Would I say that to my best friend? My sister? My roommate? My mom? My grandma? Would I say it to my five year old self? My freshman year self?
Not at all. So, I decided to treat myself with the same gentleness and love I give others. To give myself grace. And also accept that I don’t have to be perfect because no one is. I began reminding myself that I deserve the same love I give out. I cannot pour out of my cup without filling myself up too. We all have our own stories. Our own hardships, our own traumas. But these things make us who we are. We are all beautiful mosaics of our love, our joy, our hurt, our grief. By accepting this within myself, I began to recognize that I am enough.
With that being said, I am here to tell you right now that you are enough too. Whether you are graduating magna cum laude, or just waking up each day, you are enough. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be yourself. This is something I have struggled with my whole life, and it isn’t easy, but it is true.
We must pick apart the voice in our head. We are more than that voice.
Just being you is enough. If all you did today was get out of bed, or go to class, that should be celebrated.
I say this as someone who has genuinely fought with herself with this incessant need to be perfect since I was a little girl. It is so hard for voids like that to go away, but let this serve as your reminder: you are enough just as you are. You are loved more than you could ever know. We all have our own internal battles and demons we are fighting with. If you are reading this, know that you are strong and resilient despite it all. You are more than your hardships and more than your trauma. Don’t let the trauma make you think you aren’t enough.
Trauma can cloud our judgements. It can fog our lives into a dreary grey day, where we never feel like we are enough. But if you are reading this, know that those hardships have made you stronger and who you are today. Don’t ever let those hardships tell you otherwise.
If you’re reading this:
What you went through made you stronger, and that is a power.
To survive is a blessing.
You are whole and enough. Every flaw or fault, makes you “you.”
We are our biggest critic.
Don’t listen to the demons in your head, as you are a blessing to this world.
Sometimes our imperfections are the best parts of us.
Making mistakes is being human.
No E-Board position, post-grad job offer, or prestigious internship makes you worthy.
You are worthy just as you are.
You are powerful and strong just as your authentic self. As hard as it is to battle with that angry man in your head, remember to extend your love you have for others towards yourself. Because you deserve it too. And know that if you are reading this, there is always one person rooting for you: me.
Sarah C., Boston College
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