Noah F.
Photography by Oviya Dass
If you're reading this, recovery starts with forgiveness.
What is recovery?
Recovery is more than the absence of substance use, it’s the ongoing presence of sustained, consistent action to improve all areas of life. Recovery includes improved well-being, becoming a better person, living in a positive community with others, finding meaning and purpose, and giving back through service to others.
Recovery provides hope.
This is the Virginia Tech recovery community statement.
I began attending VT Recovery meetings in September when my mental health was at an all time low. After a summer filled with heavy drinking, I found myself drinking at school more than ever before. I’ve had a handful of friends that were involved in the recovery community and they always spoke so highly of it. A big reason I decided to attend was the community’s strong commitment to harm reduction. This means that you don’t have to be sober or follow a specific lifestyle to be a part of the recovery community here. As their statement reminds us, recovery is more than the absence of substance use, it is about the desire to live a life rooted in wellness and growth.
Early in my recovery journey, I realized that what I was experiencing was not symptoms of addiction, but symptoms of unprocessed grief. Over the summer, I ended a three-year relationship, returned to campus for my senior year, and once again found myself far from my family. The breakup weighed heavily on me every single day. Although the relationship was healthy and loving, I was the one who chose to walk away, and that decision consumed me. Instead of grieving, I tried to numb the pain. My drinking began to take a toll on my mental, physical, social, and financial health. I battled immense, crippling depression day in and day out. How could I not want to numb that? It all hurt even more because I had told my family and friends over the summer that I was going to do a sober senior year. It was supposed to be a fun challenge, and if I failed it wouldn’t matter because I just wanted to see how far I could go. It was also easy to explain why I was drinking so much. I would tell myself and my friends that I was making fun memories during my senior year of college, or that I was getting over her by going out and getting drunk with friends. It got to the point where I had so much grief built up inside me that I didn’t want to deal with it at all. I was getting drunk four to five times a week. I only addressed it after weeks of this unhealthy habit, when it began to destroy both my academic and physical health.
I felt so guilty. Me, someone who is training to support others in their mental health and hopes to be a counselor one day, was using alcohol to cope with pain and emotions. Me, someone who prides themselves on being loving and treating people with kindness, had abandoned their partner. Me, a person who used to shame others for overdrinking and blacking out, couldn’t even remember how I got home on Halloween. I felt like such a fraud. Through recovery meetings, conversations with people there, and many sessions with my therapist, I began to realize that I was treating myself poorly because of that guilt. I felt guilty for not “doing good,” and my lifestyle became a reflection of what I believed I deserved for my choices. I didn’t want to be doing well, I wanted to feel miserable. That was a belief I clung to for so long. I didn’t want to feel good about myself, I wanted to feel awful. But while you cannot argue away your feelings, you can challenge the beliefs that feed them.
I began to challenge that belief by practicing forgiveness. I forgave myself for being human. I forgave myself for wanting my pain to go away and for numbing it. I forgave myself for deciding to end my relationship, knowing I was trying to take care of myself. I forgave myself for how hurtful I made that decision for my partner. And I forgave myself for isolating and trying to spare my loved ones from supporting me, believing I would be too much for them.
There is no perfect, one-size-fits-all solution to dealing with grief or substance use. However, there is truth in treating the pain before addressing the addiction itself. You can’t treat addiction simply by asking why it is happening—you must first confront the pain, understand where it comes from, and begin to heal it. Only then can recovery, in whatever form it takes, become possible. Over winter break, I found myself able to reset with this mindset. I completed Dry January and discovered a new purpose in my grief and struggles. Today, I still use alcohol, but in a way that enhances my life rather than numbs it.
As I share this with you, I encourage you to look for opportunities in your own life to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for missing that deadline. Forgive yourself for not showing up to that meeting because you just couldn’t bring yourself to. Forgive yourself for not calling your parents as often as you think you should. If they knew the guilt you felt, they would forgive you and want you to forgive yourself too. Forgive yourself for breaking a friend’s trust, for canceling at the last minute, or for skipping the occasional morning class. Forgive yourself for doom-scrolling for four hours last night, or for buying that spring break concert ticket you couldn’t really afford. Forgive yourself for feeling like a burden when you called your best friend at 2AM in tears, simply because you needed someone to be there for you. News flash: we all need someone to be there for us, and we all forgive you too. Another news flash: there is no single “let go” moment when it comes to forgiving yourself. It is a decision you have to make every day. And there is no linear path, either. If you wake up tomorrow and choose to forgive yourself for that failed exam last week, I am proud of you. If you wake up tomorrow and find you can’t forgive yourself just yet, that’s okay, I am still proud of you. Give yourself grace for not being ready. But also consider this: what would it look like if we confronted the guilt we carry as college students with forgiveness?
I have come to realize that we are all entitled to a good life - you, me, everyone. And a good life requires forgiveness and grace. Always remember that part of living a good life is allowing your loved ones the opportunity, and even the joy, of sitting with you in the dark. We can get through any hard time when we have people to lean on. And if you’re reading this, I’m leaning on you now.
Noah F., Virginia Tech
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