MK C.
Photography by Ally Szabo
If you’re reading this, I see you.
Maybe you’re like me? The kid who could always handle everything: homework, exams, sports practices, friendships, family obligations, romantic relationships, work, etcetera, etcetera.
Until I couldn’t.
We seem to always tell ourselves to just “keep pushing.” At least that’s what I used to say. I pushed to get through each day as I clung to the hope that maybe tomorrow would be better. Maybe I would wake up in the morning feeling rejuvenated, rather than exhausted, and this would all just be a bad dream. But this wasn’t a nightmare, this was my reality. My reality was pushing myself beyond my emotional and mental capacity to meet the expectations of those around me, rather than my own.
Consequently, I pushed so hard, for so long, that I lost my ability to feel.
I can’t remember the exact day that I flipped on my ‘autopilot’ switch, but I remember why I did it. I subjected myself to robotic motions and emotional unavailability because that was the only way that I thought I could bear what I was going through. I was anxious all the time, didn’t have the energy to see my friends, and felt lonelier than I’ve ever been. And yet, I kept pushing. I believed that I needed to be a perfect student, a perfect athlete, a perfect friend, a perfect person. But I sacrificed my own quality of life in order to continue chasing an idealistic version of myself. From October to March of this year, I wasn’t sad or overwhelmed with emotion. I couldn’t feel.
I was terrified. I was numb. To everything. For nearly six months, I felt like my closest friends and family couldn’t see what I was going through no matter how hard they tried. I felt invisible, invisible to myself and to the world. I wanted to give up. I was terrified to ask for help even though I was craving relief more than anything I’ve ever wished for in my entire life. I didn’t know how to tell people what I was going through. I thought no one would understand. I could always handle everything. I was that kid. But I couldn’t handle this, and I thought that made me weak, unlovable, imperfect, and ill-suited to be here.
Seeing the world in black and white, when all you want to do is find joy in life’s vibrancy is heartbreaking. I never thought that I would ever suffer from anxiety or depression and frankly, I didn’t understand how people could ever feel that way. I had always been carefree, grateful for the life I had been given and taken by how extraordinary it was that I had been granted the opportunity to be alive. But after being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and situational depression, I began to despise the life that I was living.
But despite my struggles, I wanted to get better, and I need you to know that I did.
One of the biggest things that I’ve learned throughout my own mental health journey is that there is immense power in vulnerability. The day that I started to feel better was the day that I accepted that I couldn’t “fix” my situation on my own. I was struggling and felt that I was a burden if I leaned on others for support. When I finally told my mom, I was fearful that she would have a negative response to what I perceived to be a personal failure, but her overwhelming love and support allowed me to feel hopeful again for the first time in months. Shortly after our phone conversation in January, I began cognitive behavioral therapy. Therapy led to appointments with psychiatrists which then prompted me to start SSRI medication.
As I told my friends, members of my family and my professors, I began to feel seen again. Every person that I confided in responded with an outpouring of love. I realized that every person in my life simply wanted me to be healthy and happy.
If you take anything away from reading this, I want you to know that I see you, I hear you and I love you.
Healing takes work. I’m not going to lie to you and say that recovery is not difficult. But if you can, be patient. Trust that taking the risk of being vulnerable can allow you to return to feeling like yourself.
It’s okay if you need to take a break. It is okay if you need help. We can’t always handle everything.
We get one life. Let’s make the most of it.
MK C., Villanova University
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