Lia c.
If you’re reading this, one event in your life will NOT define who you are for the rest of your life.
I’ve always been very grateful to have lived a childhood full of joy and happiness, hearing stories from friends and partners that have not experienced that makes me extra grateful for how I was able to grow up. For my letter I didn’t know if my trauma was ‘worthy’ enough, because I had always thought that what I had been through will never compare to something that can truly leave a deep scar in someone’s life. After realizing that that thought was really stupid, I remembered that everyone’s experience is their own, and everyone is worthy to tell their story because no matter how others perceive it, it can still leave the deepest mark in the person that has experienced it.
The past 2 years of my college experience have been the 2 most defining years in my life. Despite leaving my family when I was 14, because I wanted to pursue my swimming career after I got into the Hungarian national team (I lived 14 years of my life in Kuwait) I still don’t think what I went through my freshman year of college and following into my sophomore year would compare.
Long story short, I got mono my freshman year of college, minimized the symptoms I had and decided to train through it despite what the doctor told me. BIGGEST MISTAKE PLS DON'T DO THIS. To this day I still struggle with the effects it had on me mentally. Before this incident I took my swimming career for granted, I always wanted to raise the bar higher and higher for myself therefore I was never happy with what I had already accomplished. Due to this, I didn’t realize what I had until it completely vanished. Suddenly I had no power, no will to swim, no physical energy to do anything except lay in bed and force myself to go to practice. Those practices would be a struggle and a constant mental anguish where I would tell myself that I’m not good enough and that I will never get back to where I was. This thought persisted for a good year, every time I tried to get up, something in the back of my head was holding me down.
Because of this, my sophomore year was dedicated to getting back to 0 when I was probably at -75. The beginning of the year started out rough but not nearly as bad as where I was a few months earlier. The toxic train of thoughts kept persisting but at least physically I felt pretty stable. I would say my improvement over my sophomore year was pretty good compared to what I had gone through. Over time I learnt that looking at the mistakes in everything you do, never acknowledging your small successes will never get you anywhere- especially in a situation like this.
My sophomore year I had this feeling that I wanted my story to be acknowledged. For some reason I wanted to feel this outside validation of, ‘yes lia what you went through was really tough and you are doing great’ but because no one really knew the full story except for me I cannot expect that of anyone. Since this was not a choice I decided to start my podcast called Chlorinated Thoughts so I could help other athletes that may be going through similar things. Despite my smaller following I had gotten messages from people (younger swimmers) sharing their story with me and asking for help. This really inspires me to keep going and that even a small audience can help at least just one person.
I always always, even through these hard times, said that ‘everything happens for a reason, I’m still looking for the reason that I had to go through this but there are already so many things I could list as to why this had to happen:
I was able to help others going through hard times
I was able to reflect and appreciate the things I had accomplished prior
I was able to find out who I am outside of swimming
I was able to realize the people that had supported me constantly through this
I would never ever be the person I am today if I had not gone through all that. I’m a strong person, a strong athlete and luckily I was able to prove that to myself through this journey. This summer I started seeing a psychologist and I haven’t felt this motivated to swim ever since before mono. I am still striving to be the best I can be and I am persistent to get back to the swimmer I used to be and even better than that.
Moral of the story, don’t ever think for a second that you cannot heal from something you go through, anything that happens WILL make you a stronger person. Appreciate who you are right now, you are doing the best you can with what you have. Lean on your peers and make peace with other people’s mistakes, it is their first time living life, just like you.
Lia C., Arizona State University
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