Coco C.
Photography by Cat White
If you’re reading this, it’s ok to cry.
I used to believe crying was something to be hidden. I thought if I smiled wide enough or stayed busy enough or laughed loud enough the sadness would leave me alone. I wore happiness like a mask, hoping no one would see through its cracks.
Pretending only made it worse.
It takes time to learn how to feel. Even now it is hard to let the emotions out. Some days it feels wrong to cry or to admit that I am not okay. I feel guilty for carrying sadness when it seems like everyone else is so perfect. Perfect smiles. Perfect lives. I fall into the trap of believing I am the only one struggling. That if I just tried harder, I could be like everyone else. That if I ignored my feelings enough, I could have a perfect life too.
Living with depression makes it even harder. It tells me I am not enough. It makes me believe that if I cannot be perfect, I am failing. I hold myself to impossible standards because I think that is what the world expects.
It is still hard to process my emotions. It is hard to believe I am even allowed to feel them. But there is a quiet beauty in learning to sit with my sadness. In the tightness in your chest before you let go. In the way sadness signals growth. I have learned that everyone experiences hardships. No one is perfect. But now when the tears come, I let them. I do not fight them or hide them. They are proof that I am human. That I stayed when I thought I could not. That I fought when it would have been easier to give up.
What has helped me most is slowly returning to myself. Joining clubs that made me feel less alone. Getting back into hobbies that reminded me what it feels like to enjoy the small things. Surrounding myself with people who understand emotions without judgment. Going to therapy and learning it is okay to let these feelings out. These steps did not erase the sadness, but they made space for healing. They made it possible to process my feelings and be accepting of them.
If you are reading this, know it is okay to feel everything all at once. It is okay to cry. It is okay to not be perfect. It is okay to not meet the impossible standards you once set for yourself. What matters is that you stay. What matters is that you keep trying even when it feels impossible.
I am still learning how to live every day; slowly and fully.
Coco C., University of Virginia
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at UVA on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to University of Virginia students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.