Will T.
Photography by Ally Szabo
If you’re reading this, I’m not entirely sure. I don’t know what I want you to take away from this letter. I just know I want to pour my thoughts out onto this website and hope that it can help just one person.
You see, every once in a while I pull up the bookmarked Word document on my laptop labeled “IYRT” to type out how I’m feeling. Every time I do it, however, it’s always a fragment of a thought. It’s frustrating knowing that I struggle with anxiety and depression but I can never perfectly articulate how I feel.
That may be the problem, right? I’m putting too much weight on myself again, aren’t I? Being too hard on myself?
Nothing new. I think we all do this in some form. Comparing ourselves to others, who compare themselves to us.
“Why does everyone have it together?” - we think collectively as we all don’t have it together.
Anyways, the following are fragments that span over a year and a half:
I used to think that panic attacks were normal. It almost became a part of my routine. The only problem was it would happen randomly. I’d be driving home from work thinking “Hmm. No panic attack yet today. Is it seriously gonna happen after dinner again?” I know this is a bad mindset. If I’m expecting a breakdown, it probably means that I’m just accepting it’ll happen.
I wouldn’t talk about it because what if everyone thinks I’m overreacting? What if no one cares? What if I should just toughen up? What if? What if? What if?
Excuses! I’m really good at them.
In the summer leading up to my freshman year, I started therapy. It was terrible. One time she called me on vacation and told me to make it short so she could rejoin her family. If I could tell that it was wrong to do that, then you know it's wrong.
I have this annoying problem where my anxiety will get better for a bit of time and my depression decides to worsen. It’s almost as if one is waiting offstage for the other to have their moment, and then *quick scene change* the other comes out and absolutely kills it. A never-ending performance that could really use an intermission.
During Freshman year, I had really bad suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it would be “tame,” such as not wanting to live but knowing I would not want to die. Just a passing thought that I had grown accustomed to. Sometimes, however, it would be bad. A crippling series of thoughts that would tell me how everyone I know actually wanted me gone and I was doing them a disservice if I continued to eat, breathe, and live. This would span for weeks, and made me paranoid. I even had a note written. I knew that medication would help, and it did, but I felt myself becoming indifferent. I knew it was better to be indifferent than to be that depressed, so I adjusted.
Loss is hard. It is cruel and heartless and unforgiving.
It makes me love the people I love even more, though.
It’s been awhile since I’ve written on this document. I’m currently staring at my empty bottle of medication. The truth is, I’m too anxious to call the psychiatrist for a refill. It’s been months. It’s okay, though. I’ve learned ways to deal with my anxiety. I’ve worked with others to appreciate and better love myself. I’m nowhere near great, but I no longer feel the need to disappear. And progress is good. I’ve learned that, too. Sometimes, progress doesn’t look like progress. We’re always learning. That’s one of the beauties of life.
Last thing that I’m going to write on this document. The journey to feeling just okay is a long one, but as I have learned through that one TikTok comment, the time will pass anyways. The panic attacks will continue to swarm my thoughts, but I can weather the storm better than I could a year ago. And I bet in a year from now, I’ll be even better. And, guess what! It’s ok if I’m not. I’ve learned to live with that. Feeling unmotivated to improve happens. It’ll pass, though.
I know this letter is all over the place. So is my life. So is yours. That’s what makes it all worthwhile.
Will T., Villanova University
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at Villanova on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to Villanova students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.
