Hannah F.

Photography by Ally Szabo

If you’re reading this, when it rains, it pours. 

If someone had asked me how I was doing just a month ago, I would have said I was doing great: my family was doing okay, I was doing well in all of my classes, and the people around me at Villanova made me feel like I belonged here. 

Fast forward to today, and I feel like I am drowning. On February 18th, in the early hours of the morning, my cousin lost his battle with leukemia at the young age of 10. It was hard to fathom that he was gone. I had watched him grow up… I was at the hospital when he was born, I watched him become a phenomenal hockey player and an even better person, and I missed out on the last year of his life being here at Nova instead of home. I was so angry at life and myself. I was angry that I moved 17 hours away from home, that God would take a little boy from his family way too soon, that Mason will never fall in love or make it to the NHL, and that I didn’t get to say goodbye to him. Nothing would ever be the same for my family. 

I was left to question how my God would let this happen, how He would do this to us, because the God I know is kind and is always with me. I had never felt so alone in my life. I went to Church that day and sobbed the entire time. I don’t know if it was because I saw boys the same age as Mason in the pew next to me or the fact that I was so angry that He would allow this to happen. Either way, I was left with no answers. The next day I went home. I have been to funerals and had family members die, but this was so different. This was the first death that I was old enough to understand what had happened entirely. 

I am not sure this month has allowed me to figure out the answers I so desperately wanted, but my grandma said something that stuck with me: “We just have to be grateful that God allowed us to know him for 10 years, and that he is no longer suffering.” It didn’t help much when she said that, but every time I think of him now, I remember the little boy who always had a smile on his face and that he is no longer suffering, and that brings me a little bit of peace. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Mason and my family. But now that I am back at Villanova, I am playing catch up. I was so busy dealing with grief and being with my family that I didn’t even look at my schoolwork and now I am digging myself out of a hole that I can’t see out of. To top it all off, my family’s dog died. When it rains, it sure does pour. 

Everything was coming one after another, and I was struggling to dig myself out of not only the academic hole that I found myself in but also the emotional hole that I was in. The second I felt like I was doing okay, another thing would pop up, and everything would come flooding back. The weight of the world was on my shoulders, and it just kept getting heavier. However, what keeps me going is still seeing the good that surrounds me. 

My brother and parents have been my rock. Whether it be just crying together, watching a funny movie, or my brother relentlessly teasing me, I never felt like I was facing life and its many challenges alone. While loss is always hard, instead of pushing each other away and hurting alone, we have allowed it to bring us closer together and lean on each other for support. People come and go when things get hard, but I know that throughout all the ups and downs that life may throw at me, there’s one thing that's for certain: they are now and forever my biggest supporters and best friends. I would not be able to do it without them. 

My friends have been amazing throughout everything that has happened. They are there when I cry and sometimes cry with me, distract me when I need a laugh, and do whatever they can to make this time easier for me. Most of the time it feels easier to keep to myself as opening up is not only hard but can feel like it will be burdensome for those around me. While it isn’t easy to reach out for help or confide in those around you, I have learned that once you open up, the people around you are there and want help. They truly showed me what it means to be loved and supported when everything goes wrong and that I am not a burden.

I don’t know if this feeling of loss will ever go away, but every day gets a little bit easier. I am doing things that celebrate Mason’s life, being around people who make me happy, reaching out when I need help, doing everything I can to catch up academically, and giving myself the grace I need during this time. I stand by the saying that everything happens for a reason and that people are put in your life to teach you something.

While I don’t know why everything had to happen the way it did, and I don’t think I ever will, I am grateful to have known and loved him. During these challenging times, I found out how strong my support system truly is and that I don’t have to weather any storm alone. When it rains, it pours, but eventually, the sun will come back out and clearer skies will soon follow. 

Hannah F., Villanova University

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