Anonymous
Photography by Colleen Charchut
If you’re reading this, it’s okay to be gentle to yourself.
Like most students, I’m far too well-acquainted with sleepless nights, stacking Redbull cans like a fortress around my desk, hammering flashcards into my brain just minutes before an exam, and frantically writing whatever sentences I can mash together before a deadline. Conditioned to believe that my moral value was intrinsically tied to my academic performance, I sold out my physical and emotional wellbeing for a few extra points on an exam, for a pat on the back by my teacher, for a “good job” by my classmates.
Doing well was nothing to be proud of; it was the bare minimum. Doing subpar was a dishonor.
Even after unlearning this self-destructive behavior, I can’t help but be taunted by a voice that reminds me of my laziness when I choose to sleep early, when I choose to watch a movie over studying for a midterm, when I choose to enjoy dinner with friends instead of isolating myself inside of a library cubicle. If I wasn’t being productive, I wasn’t being a good person. Choosing the pleasure of visiting a movie theater over mind-numbing textbook readings was selfish and undisciplined. It meant I was undeserving of calling myself a valuable person to society.
Even now, this self-inflicted harm is a constant psychological battle that I still struggle to come to terms with. But it is one that does not have to be fought alone.
So my message to you is this: it’s okay to sacrifice a few points on an exam for a couple more hours of sleep. It’s okay to prioritize having a fun time with your friends over working on a college essay. There is nothing lazy about enjoying the pleasures of life. Being so harsh on yourself is unnecessarily cruel.
There is discipline and value in being gentle to yourself.
Anonymous, Northwestern University
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