Jojo W.

Photography by Mason Schlopy

If you're reading this, give yourself a chance to feel better and try the anxiety medication; it just may change your life. 

Crazily enough, that’s coming from someone who avoided medication for years because I was scared of taking the risk. Until last summer, when my mom looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You’ve been acting pretty bitchy lately, you know that? It’s not as fun to be around you as it used to be.”

For those of you who have never been told by your mom that you’re not as nice as you used to be, it hurts a lot. What hurts even more, though, is to agree. 

While I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember, last summer, my anxiety and OCD consumed me. My head felt like a warzone, with intrusive thoughts breaking me down like a constant stream of bullets. I questioned every decision I made, and I felt so disconnected from myself it was hard to make a choice as simple as what to eat for breakfast. Every uncompleted compulsion felt like it would strip me from my friends, my values, and the person I am. My fears consumed me, my mind felt like it was constantly at war with itself, and my eyes filled with tears at random, uncontrollable times. I felt like punching a wall at least once a day. So naturally, I was irritable. It’s hard to be your best self when your head isn’t a nice place to be.

About halfway through the summer, but before my conversation with my mom, I decided I needed help. I went back to therapy for the first time since freshman year of high school. For a while, I saw two therapists—one for generalized anxiety and one who specializes in OCD. After a while, I could sense some positive change with my OCD, but I still felt like shit. My eyes would still well with tears when I didn’t want them to, my heart still felt sometimes unbearably heavy, and, despite my efforts, my thoughts were still obsessive and my behaviors still compulsive. Sometimes, all I could think was, “I don’t want to live like this anymore.”

Late into the summer, when my mom called me bitchy, she told me I should really reconsider medication. 

Both my previous therapist and my parents had asked me if I wanted to consider medication a few times before, but the answer had always been no. I was scared of every possible side effect and myth about anxiety meds I’d ever heard—that they’d make me gain weight, I wouldn’t feel like myself, or my personality would change. Something about my mom’s comment, however, helped me reconsider. 

Whether it was finally being tired of feeling like shit or hearing that my poor mental health was impacting my relationships, I texted a recommended psychiatrist that same day. Three days later, I was sitting in his office, and a few hours after that, I was at CVS picking up my prescription and taking the first of many Zoloft pills I will be taking in my life. I remember two things about starting the pills. One, that they made me feel a little sick for a while. And two, hoping that one day, I’d feel like taking the risk was worth it. That maybe, just maybe, the slight nausea for a few days and the possibility of gaining weight would be worth feeling better… feeling good.

A few months later, I could say just how worth it it is.

Sometimes, the only way to know just how bad you felt is to experience feeling good. And on a random day in September, I realized I felt a lightness and a gratitude I hadn’t felt in an incredibly long time. The funny thing is, I was scared of losing my personality when I already had. I was horrified that I wouldn’t feel like myself on medication, when in reality, I had never felt more disconnected from who I am. I was scared antidepressants would alter my life experiences, even though my dad had recently asked me, “you don’t laugh as much as you used to, you know that?” 

By going on Zoloft, I've learned you don’t have to go through everyday feeling like you’re going to cry at random times. You don’t have to live like any “wrong” decision you make or uncompleted compulsion could drain your life of joy. Of course, I still get sad and angry and I cry sometimes. But life’s too short to spend every day at war with yourself. And often, taking a risk and facing temporary anxiety is worth it to bring more happiness into your life. 

So if you’re reading this, give yourself a chance to feel better. Take a risk and try the medication; it just may change your life.

Jojo W., Syracuse University

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