Anonymous
Photographed by Rose C.
Before reading this letter, we'd like for you to know it discusses experience with sexual assault. If you think that reading about this will be distressing for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, you can read a letter on a different topic by returning to the Georgetown home page.
If you’re reading this, you are worth more than what people make you feel.
There is always one moment that changes your entire perspective on life. The moment that you look back on and realize how detrimental it was to your mental health, even if back then you didn’t know. Now, when I think about it, I think about how much it has changed my behaviors and interactions with people.
It took me years to realize that the moment you said no, it was not consensual. When I was 15, I had my first boyfriend, who was pushy with anything sexual. I would pass this off as something that just happens. It was my first relationship; how was I supposed to know anything different? I would say no, and I would somehow be convinced otherwise because it made him happy or because he knew that I, deep down, wanted to.
There was a moment that changed everything, though. I had said no again, and I removed myself from the room and went to the bathroom. I told him I just needed to pee after he made me uncomfortable and, honestly, disgusted. By the time I was sitting on the toilet seat, he opened the door to check that I was actually using the bathroom. He didn’t realize how close I was to absolutely sobbing or the fact that I was shaking.
All I said was, of course, and I said I didn’t want to continue. Of course, that no was then turned into another yes as he told me how it would make him feel. How I would be letting him down. After the fact, I was lying in bed, and I felt absolutely disgusted with myself. It was the worst I think I have ever felt, and he went to hug me, and I instinctively moved away. I just wanted to run away and get as far away from him as I possibly could. What he said has stayed with me years later: “You are making me feel bad”. As if I was the problem in this situation. That it was my fault he was feeling bad, and I shouldn’t be feeling this way.
This lasted for almost two years, and the effects lasted for years after. In all honesty, I don’t think this is something that I could ever recover from. It creeps into my head at the most inconvenient moments, reminding me that I let myself go through this and, in a way, I was the cause of everything after. It took me years and so many conversations with people for what I went through to be considered assault. I passed it off since I loved him at the time and that sex was something that was natural in relationships, so there must be something wrong with me.
The next relationship, while short-lived, also had a bit of this. It was technically a situationship, but it lasted for 9 months.There was one night where I wasn't feeling it, and I moved his leg off of mine. All he said was, “You are making me feel bad,” just further instilling the idea that it was my fault they were upset or sad.
In all honesty, because of this, my relationships with people have changed drastically. I have only felt sexual attraction since then, even if I have been with other people. Since that relationship lasted for as long as it did, I tied my self-esteem to how “useful” or how happy I can make guys. I honestly feel like I can’t say no to guys, and I feel horrible if I get enough courage to do so. Often, I just like the attention, but after the fact I am almost always disgusted with myself. I curse at myself for not saying anything. And I am left with my low self-esteem making me feel like I am not worth anything more than what I can provide for another person. This habit of mine has even demolished my most recent relationship, which will always haunt me.
If anyone who reads this has gone through this or something similar, I want you to know that you aren’t alone and, most importantly, you aren’t what they have made you feel. While I do still have these habits and feelings, I have realized that I am the one who determines my identity. I have moments where I feel like the 15-year-old who is trapped in the room and the relationship. I remember her, and as much as I want to give her a hug, I know I owe her progress. I talk about this issue in therapy, and you know what? It has gotten better, and I have been able to set boundaries with people. I know I am loved by the people I surround myself with, and if I am ever in doubt about who I am, they remind me. My identity isn’t determined by what someone else did to me, and neither is yours. We can’t change the past, but we can grow and learn how to heal ourselves. If you have ever gone through this, I love you, and you aren’t your thoughts.
Anonymous, Georgetown University
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