Frankie G.

Photography by Mason Schlopy

If you’re reading this, don’t give up because of self-destruction.

Going to college was simultaneously the most exciting and nerve-racking thing I’ve ever done. Before leaving, the longest I’d been away from home was one week, and even then, I was always with a family member. Going long stretches without visiting home or seeing family only exacerbated the fact that I had an entirely new part of my identity forming and what felt like no one was there to help me through it.

Growing up, I went to school in the same district from kindergarten to 12th grade. Everyone knew each other, knew the town, and had their friend groups. Retrospectively, all my life, I was living in a bubble, and inside that bubble, I felt invincible. When I arrived at school, that bubble popped immediately, and I realized that I had to start everything I worked for for 13 years all over again. No one knew who I was, and having to prove myself all over again made me shut down.

I became a shell of who I’d been my whole life. The happy-go-lucky person that everyone went to for advice, friendship, or just a hug was gone. I hung out with the same people every day, and went to the same parties every weekend; everything made me feel bored and hopeless. I hung out with people and just sat in silence while they all talked around me, feeling like I was just taking up space. I was tired and constantly taking Advil for a headache I couldn’t quite shake. It was over Thanksgiving break, after being home for a week, that I realized how unlike myself I had become and how upset that made me.

I took all of winter break trying to build myself back up again. I started working out, eating healthier, and spending time with my closest friends and family. I had finally felt like I was making progress, and just like that, all of it was undone the second I got back to school.

I slipped right back into the same patterns that I had been in, only severely worse this time. Now I wouldn’t eat until I felt like I was going to pass out, I would cry in my room for hours, and what did the most damage was that I would tell people I was ready to change, and then I wouldn’t, and I would get so angry at myself for it. So many times I said, enough is enough, it’s time to stop living like this. But I kept letting myself down and the people around me down. It was this self-destructive pattern that made it so difficult to overcome my depression. It was a vicious cycle of saying I would change, not changing, and then getting upset with myself for not being strong enough. I wanted so desperately to be happy, I was willing to do anything for it. And then I realized that was what my problem was. I was trying so hard all the time to be happy, when in reality your emotions aren’t something you can rush. If you feel sad, that’s not something to be ashamed about. You can only preserve your happiness when you let go of the anxiety that is only temporary.

Looking back, I am grateful that the bubble I lived my life in finally popped. It’s changed the way that I view the world, made me a stronger, more resilient person, and given me new friendships that will last a lifetime.

There were many songs that helped me to get to the point where I could sit down, write this letter, and give cohesive advice, but one in particular is “Pretty Little Birds” by SZA.

“You are but a phoenix among feathers 

You’re broken by the waves among the sea 

They’ll let you die, they’ll let you wash away 

But you swim as well as you fly.”

Frankie G., Syracuse University

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