Ellie M.
Photography by Catherine White.
If you’re reading this, be gentle with your soul.
That soul is the same one that you had when you were born. That soul is the same soul you had when you first made it across the monkey bars without any help. That soul is that brave little thing that got you up on stage in the middle school talent show. That soul is the beaming light that walked across the stage on your graduation day.
From my experience, struggling with mental health means losing connection to that ever-present you. In February of 2025, I lost all connection to my soul.
Overnight, I turned from a happy, carefree young woman to a scared, anxious little girl. I developed the most severe OCD my psychiatrist had ever seen, and in the background, I lost abilities in handwriting, memory, and speech. It seemed as though a virus had taken over my brain. I could not leave my room, talk to my very best friends, take a shower, go to class, put on clothes, or eat, without being attacked by the scariest thoughts. It felt like the worst existential crisis you’ve had, but about every 30 seconds for months. It seemed as though my memory was taken from me, and I was standing on an Earth I didn’t recognize. In March of 2025, I wanted to end my life. I was numb and so disconnected from reality that I did not recognize those whom I loved or even myself in the mirror.
I had been beaten down by this disease for a year before I got a diagnosis: Autoimmune Encephalitis and PANS (Pediatric Acute-onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome). In that moment, learning of my diagnosis, I cried. Not because of the gravity of the illness, but because I knew that my soul was still in there. This disease had taken almost everything, but not that little girl.
So, that same soul that took its first steps at age one learned to walk again. That’s the strength of our souls. That’s the strength of your soul. That’s right, you’ve got that power too. It was that girl who made it across the monkey bars who has walked through countless hours of therapy, doctors' appointments, and infusion treatments. Your little self is the one who keeps going today, even when you feel scared or anxious or sad. I hope you are proud of yourself.
During some of my darkest moments, I came across the Irish poet and philosopher John O’Donohue. He describes our souls as an “inner sanctuary” where, at our deepest parts, nothing can hurt us. He describes, “there is a place in you where you have never been wounded, where there is still a sureness in you, where there’s a seamlessness in you, and where there is a confidence and tranquility in you.”
I like to think of this soul as my barefoot, carefree young self. She will always be in the memory of my soul, despite what may happen to me in my lifetime. That gives me hope and strength. If you feel lost or your mind is being unkind to you, look for that inner sanctuary to find the peace that you deserve, and be gentle with that little light of yours.
Source: https://onbeing.org/programs/john-odonohue-the-inner-landscape-of-beauty/
Ellie M., University of Virginia
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at UVA on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to University of Virginia students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.