Eesha P.
If you’re reading this, you should forgive yourself in an unforgiving world.
Throughout my life, I was told you should love yourself proudly, and to younger me, that meant being a loving and caring person and expecting that in return because “you are what you give”. As I grew up, I realized there was so much more to it and that having unconditional love for yourself meant way more than expecting love from others. What taught me that was something that happened to me right at the end of eighth grade. I had woken up one morning to look in the mirror and see someone completely different. I had developed Bell’s Palsy, a condition that caused paralysis on one side of my face. After discussing it with many physicians, I had begun to realize that it was caused purely by stress and that there was also no official treatment for the condition.
Fourteen-year-old me had no capacity to deal with all this information, and I had internalized all my emotions of disgust, fear, and insecurity. Before telling anyone, I started to think that I looked uneven and ugly, and then once my friends and classmates started to see, those thoughts felt like reality. They would make jokes and laugh about how funny-looking I was, which hurt deeply. I had imagined that in high school, you start to form into your most beautiful self. Instead of feeling like I was moving in that direction, it was like I had taken a thousand steps back and become the Wicked Witch of the West. This caused me to spiral into a depressive episode where I felt disconnected from my friends, physically exhausted, and waking up every morning wondering when all of my pain would go away. It felt like the world was crumbling down on me before I had the chance to become my own person.
The biggest thing that helped release me from the massive cloud above my head was my mom telling me, it’s not about the situation but what you make of it. I realized in order to get better mentally, I had to switch my perspective on life. I had to realize I didn’t need to be pretty to be respected, but I needed to surround myself with people who respect me. As I acted on that principle and dug myself out of that episode, I understood that my worth and the love I feel aren’t determined by how someone may perceive me, but by my heart. I had to love myself enough to stop accepting treatment that wasn’t love. There was an absence of compassion from my friends because I chose to stay around people who thought I didn’t respect myself enough to stand up against their bullying. After leaving that crowd of people, I learned to love myself even when I felt like no one else did.
My message to whoever reads this is: Life is full of unforgiving obstacles; however, life is also built on your experiences. So, if you find your way climbing the mountain of depression, even if you slip, you will eventually make it to the summit.
Eesha P., Arizona State University
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