Victoria S.
Photography by Caroline MacLaren
If you’re reading this, it is okay to put your mental health first.
For as long as I can recall, I have dealt with anxiety and OCD, but it was just this past year that I realized it. I never thought much about my actions, such as checking multiple times to make sure I packed my cleats for soccer or triple-checking to ensure the door was locked when I left home.
During COVID, specifically in the fall of 2020, my anxiety and OCD worsened, and my depression developed. I know for a lot of people getting sent home in the spring was not ideal, but I personally really liked it. I got to spend more time with my family than ever before, I got to experience college life with my long-distance boyfriend, and my classes went really well.
Coming back in the fall to a very restricted campus was hard. There were little to no activities going on, and I didn’t have a car, so I felt trapped in my apartment on West Campus. I found myself constantly longing to be in the comfort of my own home. I would spend my weekends alone in my room because I was too anxious to do anything for fear of getting in trouble with the COVID restrictions, especially being a pre-med student. I would constantly tell myself, “If you get in trouble for violating COVID stuff, what medical school is going to want you?” This isolation led me to spiral into a very deep depression that I thought I would never come out of. I pulled away from my friends, lashed out on my family members, had multiple panic attacks and breakdowns, and honestly, was just the unhappiest I’ve ever been.
Despite my loved ones encouraging me to get help, I chose not to. I continued to struggle despite knowing that something was wrong. I talked myself into believing things would get better on their own (spoiler alert: they did not).
I’m not sure what changed, but at the end of the fall semester, I finally decided that I had to do something about this. I knew that I wanted to do the spring semester online at home, but I was scared about how this would look to everyone else. I was sure people would judge me, think I was weird for doing so, and I was worried that I would grow apart from my friends. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to do a repeat of the fall semester again, so I made the final decision to stay home.
My family and boyfriend were extremely supportive, and although initially, my friends at Nova tried different ways to convince me to stay, when it was clear my mind was made up, they respected my choice. I can honestly say that this is the BEST decision I have ever made. At home, I was able to get a super cool job in the operating room at my local hospital that I continued throughout the summer. I got to spend quality time with my mom, sister, boyfriend, and dog. I saw my primary care provider, talked to a therapist, and began taking an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors). I even got to visit Nova a couple of times to see my friends, and they made an effort to facetime me when they were all together so that I never felt too distant.
As a result of all these things, I am the happiest I have been in a long, long time. I cannot even explain the weight that was lifted off my shoulders when I chose to prioritize my mental health, despite my initial fears of how others would respond.
I am back on campus now for my senior year and loving it. I now know how to better manage my anxiety, and I have even discovered how it can be advantageous for me: it helps me work towards my goals, ensures I pay attention to details and complete tasks correctly, and keeps me motivated. I have learned what I need to do when those depressive feelings start to creep in, so I do not return to the same place I was a year ago. Above all, I have gained empathy and understanding for others who may be struggling in any way.
So please, if you take one thing away from this letter, ALWAYS put your mental health first. Do what you gotta do to be genuinely happy and as hard as it may be, try not to worry about what others may think. Those who truly care about you will always support you, and those are the people that matter most.
Victora S., Villanova University
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