Ryan O.
Photo provided by Ryan O.
If you’re reading this, learn to give yourself a break and not let your emotions and surroundings define who you are.
One of the hardest parts of dealing with mental illness is figuring out where the problems end and you begin. It’s not as straight-forward as a sprained ankle or a broken arm, where you can point to where it hurts and there’s an easy path to recovery.
When I first moved to college, I dealt with anxiety and depression for a long time. I got to a point where I couldn’t separate which thoughts were me or the anxiety talking, and it led to a horrible spiral of self-hatred and shame.
While I felt all this anxiety and pressure bubbling under the surface whenever I was surrounded by others, the truth is: I needed them there. If they weren’t there, then I’d be alone. And when I was alone, I had to face the fact that, fundamentally, I didn’t like myself.
I was never the person I wanted myself to be. I looked at myself and all I could see was the shame of those risks I never took. The disappointment in the goals I’d fallen short of. The guilt at the people I’d hurt, whether on purpose or by accident. I was just so angry at myself. I looked in the mirror and saw nothing I could feel comfort in.
It’s really hard flipping those feelings of self-resentment. You’ve repeated so many cruel lies about yourself that you’ve started to believe them. The advice that I got from my therapist, which is simple to hear but so hard to fully accept, is this: you are not your feelings. Your feelings are fleeting, random little things that are no more tied to who you are than a rain cloud passing over you. You are the person on the ground; you are your values and goals; you are the actions you take; you are the people who love and care about you and vice versa. When you’re going through a hard time, which might be right now, remember that you are not a fundamentally sad person. You’re just a kid that got caught in the rain. It could be a big storm that’s been brewing for a while, and some days it might even feel like the wind is going to sweep you up with it and take you away. It won’t, and it can’t, because these emotions will only ever be as real as you allow them to be. And you know that, eventually, the storm will pass. Because it always does. And soon clear skies will move in to replace it. Because they always do. And after enough time another storm will come in to replace that. Because the world is always spinning. Trying to put blame on yourself for the way you’re feeling is no better than apologizing for the rain falling nearby, and trying to fight those feelings is about as useful as yelling at a thundercloud.
Instead, learn to forgive yourself and seek comfort in the fact that nothing you might be feeling can last forever. Every surge of anxiety or bout of depression is bound to end, just as every happy or peaceful moment needs to come to a close eventually. It’s a blessing and a curse, but that’s the nature of the seasons. Here’s some advice I have for dealing with the storm:
Seek Shelter
You may not be able to fight the weather or your emotions, but you can seek comfort from them when you need to. Try to build a roof over your head, by holding true to your values and focusing on what direction you want your life to head in. Small progress is still progress. If life and the world around you feel too scary, then keep your eyes pointed down at the ground in front of you and focus just on that next step forward. If you can find consistency in your routine and track measurable progress towards your goals, you’ll have evidence to prove to yourself that you’re at the very least trying, which is all we can hope to do sometimes.
Ask for an Umbrella
If you aren’t able to find or build a solid shelter yet, then let someone else hold an umbrella for you. Lean on the people who care about you, because they’re more common than you might think and because they might know more about your struggles than you realize. Maybe they just finished getting through a storm of their own, and maybe they have advice that you can relate to. They can only help, though, if you let them, and if they know about your problems. Opening up to someone you trust can be the most daunting task of all time, but it can also be the turning point you need towards really feeling/being better. If you don’t feel comfortable confiding in anyone you know yet, there are plenty of public and campus resources aimed towards giving you an outlet to get things off your chest and find support.
Do Not Give Up
No matter what, though, what you’re going through is not your fault. It’s time to let go of any blame or resentment towards yourself and to accept responsibility to care for yourself. For better or worse, you are stuck with yourself for your entire life. You don’t get a choice in that. You do get a choice, however, in whether you’ll be trapped with your mind like prison cell mates, or learn to support and appreciate yourself, flaws and all. Choose to see the light in yourself. See the person who those who love you see. See the person who is trying so hard, who wants so badly to be happy, and who deserves love because of it. If all else fails, learn to dance in the rain.
I’ve been very blessed to have found my own community and sense of purpose while on this campus. While I’ve faced many storms during my time here, and I’m sure I’ll face many more as I graduate and move on to the next chapter of my life, I’m comforted in knowing that I’ll still be here on the ground when all is said and done.
Ryan O., Georgia Tech
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