Photography by Jakayla Fontaine
If you’re reading this, you don’t have to know.
As long as I can remember, I’ve been curious. Throughout my time in school, my interests have been “all of the above”. For years now, questions about favorites have been my weakness: I can never just pick one of anything.
In high school, I felt pulled in so many different directions. It was time to start thinking about careers, and the idea of specializing in just one thing for most of my life was daunting. My biggest passions were in the performing arts – making movies, singing in choirs, directing and acting in plays – but every class I took was an indication that that should be my career instead. One of my friends told me that I was so good at calculus that a career in music would just waste my potential. Others hinted at the reverse. All of my teachers seemed to want me to go into their field. And in almost every case, I wanted to as well.
Last summer, I went to the North Carolina Governor’s School, and it was maybe the most transformative month of my life. I was surrounded by the most passionate students in the state in every subject. Every day we had more student-led seminars and late-night dorm room chats about philosophy. There were no grades or tests, so everyone was learning, performing, and sharing their passions because they truly wanted to.
That experience affirmed for me that there was just too much out there for me to limit myself to one thing; that the only way to give myself the college experience I needed was to go in undecided. And in my college search, among all of the schools that seemed to restrict exploration, Duke promised to be another Governor’s School, where I could do anything and everything I wanted to. Where I would be immersed in everyone’s unique ideas and talents.
When I got to Duke, I quickly realized that it was not quite what I had imagined. There seemed to be a prevailing routine: take Econ 101, rush every club that can build your résumé, and go to parties on weekend nights. I wasn’t doing any of those things, and it felt like there was a universal Duke instruction manual that I had missed out on. Every conversation seemed to be proof that I, and I alone, was oblivious.
“What are you majoring in?” I don’t know.
“Are you doing any research this year?” I didn’t know I could do that!
“What are you studying?” I don’t know yet!
“What are you doing next summer?” I really don’t know.
“What’s your major?” I don’t know.
“You don’t know? What your major is??” Nope!
“There’s a party tonight; everyone’s going!” Oh, I didn’t know.
“What’s your major?” I DON’T KNOW!
I started to feel like there was no difference between undecided and indecisive. I felt behind for not having an internship or a research position. I felt ignorant and lame for being shocked by the drinking culture. I felt stupid for coming here to explore and discover when Duke was so clearly a place for people who already had it figured out.
But in the three months I’ve been here, I’ve met plenty more people who are uncertain about their futures. I’ve made some wonderful, enthusiastic, multi-interested friends who have shown me I’m not alone. I’ve learned a lot and really enjoyed my classes and extracurriculars. And I’ve realized that everything I was looking for – the amazing people, the unique passions, the world of opportunity to explore – is right here, if I only know where to look. Duke wasn’t automatically the experience I wanted it to be, but I’ve found that I can still make it whatever I want.
It’s hard to be undecided at a place like Duke without feeling inadequate or behind. It’s hard to feel confident when I don’t conform to the routine that some people here follow so confidently. It’s hard in general not to know what I’m going to do with my life. But I take comfort in reminding myself of all the other things I didn’t know – from whether I would audition for my first high school musical to where to go to college – and how in time, I sorted them out and made (I can confidently say) great decisions. This will be the same: I’ll figure it out when the time comes. I don’t know when or how, and that’s alright.
So to all you curious, confused, undecided, and nonetheless motivated nerds, here’s this reminder that you’re doing great. In this stressful, future-focused world, you’re doing yourselves a real favor by blocking out the noise, living in the present, and truly taking in the full college experience. You don’t have to know what the future holds. You don’t have to know what everybody else is doing. Or even what you’re doing. Everything you don’t know is just one more thing you can be excited to learn.
Jack G., Duke University
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