Ben G.

Photography by Dan Schmidt

If you’re reading this don’t worry, this is just how I process things.

 This essay is dedicated to the deaths of family members, mainly fathers. If anyone has experienced the passing of a loved one and the pain is too fresh, feel free to click away. Know that if you want to talk about it, I will always be free to talk with you outside of this writing.

I’m writing about my dad dying.

Last year, when I submitted a writing grant proposal to the English Department of Colorado College, I wanted to write something about how my dad’s passing affected me. After quickly rejecting my proposal, one of the unnamed readers mentioned how including the incident of my dad’s heart attack in the proposal was shocking and unsettling, and that I should have at least included a warning in the beginning because it completely threw her off.

Now, there is no malice between the English Department Writing Grant Acceptance team and me; there were many other reasons as to why my grant proposal was rejected (I admit that I am too smarmy). However, I can’t help but wonder about when this unnamed reader was so shocked by how sudden my dad’s passing was brought up, if she ever considered how I felt when it actually happened.

My name is Ben, and on April 28th, 2020, my dad died of a completely unexpected heart attack when I was in the middle of a zoom lecture on Economics. It’s kind of funny, because the only class that my dad ever wanted me to take was Econ, and then in the first week he completely ruined my chances of ever enjoying the subject.

Like I said, it’s only kind of funny. These kinds of jokes were the things that got my grant proposal rejected. I tend to compensate for fundamental life-altering events with humor, which makes it very awkward when something incredibly serious happens to me.

My dad passing away was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and it makes parts of my life horribly terrifying. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t wake up and remember him. However, I think the fact that my handling of his passing has changed drastically since before, and while I don’t feel good all of the time. I’m proud to say that I feel better.

I didn’t stop working when my dad died. One of the first things I did after coming back from the hospital was ask my professors for a two-day extension on my assignment and I caught up quickly after that. I finished that class, on time, with an A (keep in mind that it was a zoom class, and the teachers were a little lenient considering the whole dad situation, but it’s still pretty impressive). I want everyone to know, especially CC students, because I feel like no one tells us this, that that was not and should not be a normal thing that anyone feels they have to do. If I could change anything, I would have told myself to drop the class. If something happens to you, and you need to take a break, TAKE IT. You never need to ignore how things make you feel for the sake of not getting behind.

I feel like everything goes by so quickly on the block plan that there is always something to do. That’s not how real life is– things are slow. People’s problems don’t resolve quite as easily as block crushes do – after the course of three and a half weeks. Things usually last longer. It took me about two years to understand that. I was doing so many things and I was so busy all the time, but I couldn’t talk about anything. Everything I did ground to a halt when I started talking about my dad, so I just didn’t, until I realized that I hadn’t felt anything other than miserable for over a year.

This all came to a head when the stand-up comedy show that I host (@cc_sunbutter, by the way) fell on the day after the two-year anniversary of my dad's death. I felt so nervous that if I mentioned it at all during the show that everything would be ruined. Stand-up is something very special to me, but it is also very hard to express any sort of sadness while up on stage. However, I knew that if I didn’t say anything, it would kill me. I’m tired of feeling like a sad clown, everything I do doesn’t mean anything if I’m just doing it to avoid thinking of my dad.

So, I said something. At the end of the show, I very quickly told the audience how much stand-up helped me after my dad died. It was a short message that I quickly moved past, but I was happy I did it. No matter how cheesy it may be, I can now perform with my dad, rather than because of him. My life’s not entirely better, I don’t know how things really can be better, but it very much helps me when I talk about it.

I hope I didn’t make anyone uncomfortable, but I am not as concerned with how you feel if this makes me feel better. Also, if anyone happens to be reading this and wants to hear more, consider giving me 1,000 dollars so I can write a book about it. I promise I won’t be as smarmy this time.

Ben G., Colorado College ‘23

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