Annika T.
Photography by Peyton Mears
If you’re reading this, the most important relationship you can have in life is with yourself.
Throughout my life, I have always characterized myself as a “people person”. Not just because of the way I try to keep others happy and satisfied, but also because of how much I value relationships. Whether it was my volleyball teammates, potential romantic partners, or my parents, I have always revolved my life and my self-worth around other people. Trying to please everyone has pushed me to succeed and foster connections with great people, but it has also drained me internally.
The pattern I find myself going through oftentimes is that when a relationship shows signs of faltering, I internalize the loss and persuade myself that my own qualities are the cause of the negative trajectory of our dynamic. I become convinced that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, funny enough, or “enough” of any other quality that fits the scenario. To me, the fact that a certain relationship didn’t work out is a reflection of my value and worth. This further leads to a cycle of insecurity and comparison in which I look at other people and other relationships and think–what are they doing right that I’m doing wrong? What could I have done differently for them to like me? What could I do to earn their approval?
I was always thinking in terms of my impression on others, and when I got a sign that maybe I wasn’t satisfying them the most, it was disastrous to my self-worth. The amount of effort I would put into nitpicking and over analyzing why someone was acting a certain way towards me was exhausting to the point where I forgot about the person I should be thinking about most–me.
People always encouraged self-love and positivity but I never took that seriously. Who cares whether I love myself if someone else can do that for me? However, as I get older I realize that others’ demonstrations of love and approval are not sufficient for true happiness. Even in good, healthy friendships and relationships, there won’t always be the reassurance I crave. The only person that is able to give me that love during times of need is myself. It’s crucial to know that no matter the circumstance, I will always be there for me. I am strong enough, capable enough, and worthy enough to feel loved by anyone and everyone, regardless of what my relationships suggest.
I don’t mean to say that I’ve achieved ultimate self-satisfaction and security, because I haven’t, and I believe that is a journey I will be working on for the rest of my life. However, I can realize now that the quality of my relationships are not always reflections of my shortcomings or flaws. Sometimes things just don’t work out. I did try my best to please everyone, and their lack of reciprocation does not undermine my capabilities as an individual, partner, or friend. I was kind, smart, and hardworking before a relationship, and I remain kind, smart, and hardworking regardless of where that relationship goes.
Ultimately, my worth is not determined by the strength or amount of relationships that I have. Practicing loving yourself will yield more security and fulfillment than any other relationship could provide. It is important to give yourself grace and appreciate the positive qualities you possess, whether they’re acknowledged by others or not. In the end, the person you need to work hardest to please and the person who never leaves your side are one in the same–yourself.
So, I would like to say if you’re reading this, focus on how you love yourself over how you think others love you.
Annika T., Florida State University
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