Photography by Reese Niccolls
If you're reading this, don't let hate stop you from loving.
Have you ever thought it’s too late? That you can’t change. That you will forever be the person you hate. You could NEVER be more wrong. Trust me, I’m living it right now.
My story starts when I was young. I grew up surrounded by arguments, fighting, violence, and a bunch of other things a developing child probably shouldn’t be around. At the time, my brain deemed this normal. So, as a child does, I absorbed my surroundings like a sponge. I laughed at people who were hurting; I started fights if people disagreed with me; I hurt the people close to me because it was “normal”. This was all before I even reached middle school.
As my teenage years went by, the anger never went away. It was bottled up because I was scared to get into any more trouble with the school. So instead of taking it out on someone else, I took it out on myself. I grew up a chubby kid. I got picked on a lot. I mean, my nicknames growing up were “chubbis” and “baby panda.” So naturally, the first thing I hated about myself was my body. To everyone else, I was healthy. In my own eyes, I was too fat, too skinny, too ugly. So it began; I became obsessed with my look. I ate one meal a day, depriving myself of food and nutrients. The weight on the scale fell rapidly, but I was never satisfied. While I was struggling with all of this, I was told that I was moving countries. It felt like the whole world was against me, and it made me angrier.
At my new school, in a new country, as the new kid, I felt like everyone had eyes on me. With everything I had going on, that was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to be invisible. At the time, the only good thing coming out of moving was being introduced to the gym, but that only made matters worse. I hid myself behind baggy clothes and long hair. I tracked every meal. I took pictures of myself every day. Slowly, people thought I loved myself, and myself only. I felt like nobody understood me and nobody ever would. So it was everyone vs. me, and I didn’t care who got hurt in the process.
That was a lie. All I ever wanted, despite all the hatred, violence, and anger, was the ability to love myself and others. Now we're back to where I started. I thought it was too late for me. I thought everybody already had an idea of who Travis was, and I hated him. The only thing that pulled me out of this was love.
What I left out in my story was the only place I felt unconditionally loved: with my mom. She was always my safe space, before the anger, before the hate, before the vanity. To me, she is love personified. She helped me realize love isn't how much you can give up, but how much you can forgive.
As hard as it was, I had to learn to forgive myself. The first step is admitting I was broken; the second step was realizing I am so fixable. Acknowledge your wrongdoings, apologize to those you've hurt, replace hate with love.
I heard this quote, and it really helped me, so I hope it helps you too.
“Your character isn't determined by the worst thing you've done or the best thing you will ever do; your character will be determined by how you decide to show up every day after the fact.”
The only way to combat hate is love, so be the light in a world full of darkness. And if no one has told you today, I love you.
Travis W., Syracuse University
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