Nicole C.
Photography by Aneesa Wermers
Please note: In this letter, I discuss my struggle with an eating disorder and anxiety. If you think you may find this content triggering, I encourage you to read one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you’re reading this, you deserve recovery.
This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I have always wanted to speak up but I never knew where to start or what people would think of me. In writing this letter, I asked myself: what would my younger self need to hear? This letter is dedicated to my younger self and to anyone who is struggling.
I was diagnosed with an “eating disorder not otherwise specified” the summer after my freshman year of college.
In 2018, what started as a healthy diet, New Year resolutions, and running goals soon became an obsession. My desire for perfection, control, and success became my life. Body checking, going to bed hungry, and tracking all the things I ate in a day was habitual. While hanging out with friends, intrusive thoughts of food would flood my mind. It was exhausting. My mind was like a treadmill, the thoughts of perfection never stopped. I was always chasing the next big thing. A new PR, being the fastest on my team, a thigh gap, 6-pack abs, and the list goes on. On the outside, it looked like I had it all together. My senior year of high school I was winning awards, running fast, breaking records, and having fun with my friends/teammates. My freshman year at BC, I became a varsity cross country runner and scorer, I smashed all of my old personal bests, won Junior Nationals, represented Team USA at World XC Championships, and was named my team’s XC Rookie of the Year. All of my perfection and hard work paid off. But, at what cost?...
On the inside, I was hurting, broken, and afraid. My routine became arduous. I couldn’t sleep. I suffered from severe anxiety. I called my mom multiple times a day, crying most days. My eating disorder and anxiety consumed me. It sucked the life out of me. As I was achieving great success, I was starving. Starving for approval, for validation, and for happiness.
One day, a little voice inside of me told me, something’s wrong. Freshman year of college, I told my doctor I was concerned. I will never forget sitting in my nutritionist’s office the spring of my freshman year, when she said to me: “I think you should go to this program called GOALS, it’s an eating disorder recovery program for athletes.” My heart sank. Eating disorder? Me? I have an eating disorder? I didn’t think I needed that much help. Boy was I wrong! The summer going into my sophomore year, I dedicated myself to recovering from my eating disorder. It was the hardest summer of my life.
Sophomore year, I came back to school and threw myself back into cross country training. I told myself, I am making Nationals. I pushed my body to its limits physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was tired, but I wanted it so badly. A little soreness in my shin turned into a limp and throbbing pain within a week. I had a Grade 3 Posterior Stress Fracture in my right tibia. My leg took a long time to heal, I couldn’t run for 4 months. This time off was a blessing in disguise because the healing of my eating disorder truly began. I leaned into my faith, my friends, my family, my teammates, and my treatment team. I could no longer run away from my problems. This time away from running, which became entangled in my eating disorder, helped me find new ways to cope with my emotions and feelings.
Healing from my eating disorder has taken a lot of hard work, but I can now say I am in recovery. My eating disorder and anxiety will always be a part of me, but it will not be all of me. Choosing the path of recovery is not easy, but as my high school coach would say: “We don’t do things cause they’re easy, we do them cause they’re hard.” At my last high school race, my coach gave my teammate and I a framed poem by Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken. This stanza speaks volumes to me…
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
My spiritual director told me two things that I want to pass along...
God doesn’t care about what you look like. God can’t see you because God is so busy engulfing you in a loving hug.
Your eating disorder and anxiety have left big holes. Instead of filling them back up, fill them up with faith.
I tell you a bit of my eating disorder story not to make you feel bad for me, but to empower you. I want to remind you that no matter what you are going through, you are not alone, you are cared for, and tough times don’t last, but tough people do.
If you are struggling, please please remember: you are worthy of seeking/receiving help. You deserve recovery. If there is a voice inside of you crying for help, please listen to it. So many people love you and will help you. I know, eating disorder recovery is scary, but staying in the dark is worse. I hope you choose to find the light. It’s all around you and within you. Harness it and use it to conquer whatever is holding you back.
I love you.
Nicole C, Boston College
Originally published February 25, 2022
I am so grateful for If You’re Reading This BC and Meghan Doherty who do amazing work to shine a light on mental health. Thank you for re-publishing this letter I wrote a year ago. To everyone reading this: thank you for showing up. Thank you for being here. I’m glad you exist. Wherever you are in your journey: keep going, take the next step. I’m proud of you. I believe in you. Listen to your heart. Listen to the voice of love. Walk in the light, pursue what sets your soul on fire, be all that God made you to be. Let love sink deep into your insecurities, fears, and pain. You are loved. Let yourself be defined by love. “We are born to love, we live to love, and we will die to love still more” - St. Joesph Cafasso. Let your life be measured by love, not fear.
Nicole C.
Addendum added March 3, 2023
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