Rhiannon B.
If you’re reading this, the Son is still shining,
You know what is literally so crazy? The same sun I see is the same sun that you see, and it is also the same sun that has been shining for a long long time.
And, it is literally always shining! It can be midnight in Phoenix, but it will still be shining in Almaty, Kazakhstan. If it is storming in Alabama, the sun is still shining above the clouds.
On your best day, the sun is still shining, and on your worst day the sun is still shining.
As an Arizona native, I have spent nineteen years in the “valley of the sun. I love how you can feel it when it clothes you in its warmth, and how you can see its beauty when it rises in the morning and when it sets in the evening.
I was blessed with a wonderful childhood, and it was not until my junior year of high school that I truly encountered the darkness for myself.
I was heading into my first volleyball season as an upperclassmen, and I was working incredibly hard to be the best athlete I could be. I always had the mindset that if you work hard you will get what you deserve. It seemed innocent and motivating until the dark took control.
I began to develop Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I always thought OCD meant that you just liked to be clean. However I was wrong. According to Mayo Clinic, “Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) features a pattern of unwanted thoughts and fears known as obsessions. These obsessions lead you to do repetitive behaviors, also called compulsions. These obsessions and compulsions get in the way of daily activities and cause a lot of distress.
For me, my fear was messing up in volleyball. I know it sounds so silly, but volleyball was my everything. My brain began to think things like, “If you do not wear the same shirt, you will play bad,” “You need to wash your hands again if you want to be on the varsity banner,” or “You can’t put your hair in a braid because then it won’t be good.”
I have heard that people can become OCD about things they deeply care about, work, relationships, money, etc.
Before I knew it, OCD had taken over my whole life. Every single thing I did had specific “rules”.
For example, I had to set my toothbrush down by tapping it on the counter in one direction, then I would switch directions and tap it again. I would do that for x amount of times, and if I “messed up” I had to do it over.
This was the way everything was. If I got out of bed “wrong” I had to do it over. If I took “the wrong step” I had to do it over. It was beyond just being afraid of not doing well in volleyball, the fear had choked out every aspect of my life.
I felt that I HAD to be perfect, or else.
There was no more light. I felt as if the whole entire universe was on my shoulders. I felt that I needed to be perfect in everything in order to make the sun shine. In order to breathe.I remember feeling cold. I remember seeing nothing. I remember hearing nothing. Tasting nothing. There was no more light. I was a robot following strict do’s and don’ts.
It was in this dark and cold place I met the Son. The Son that lights up every darkness. The Son that makes the shadows flee. The Son that saved me.
His name is Jesus.
I learned that He saw my imperfections, and He loved me. I learned that He loved me so much that He gave up everything so I could be with Him forever.
He has given us all a free ticket to Heaven, and there is nothing we could ever do to earn it.
I remember the day I burst and opened up to my dad about my struggles. A week later, it stopped. The darkness was finally gone. I didn’t feel the need to do any of the compulsive behaviors I did before.
I didn’t know it then, but I know it now that it was Jesus walking in when I couldn’t do it anymore.
I will be honest, I still struggle with some things. But, I can see again, I can feel again, I can taste again. I have been reborn. My life is new. My life is real. My joy is real.
Friend, I do not know what you may be walking through right now, but I do know that there is hope. Jesus promises us that in Heaven there will never be darkness. Not even like night time, not even like a storm cloud, He promises there will be no darkness at all.
Jesus knows you, He loves you, and He will never leave you.
Just like the joy of soaking in the warmth of the sun, I now invite you to soak in the Love and light of the Son that never ends.
Rhiannon B.., Arizona State University
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