Ally S.
Photography by Sophia Crossan
If you’re reading this, you deserve the love and patience you give to others.
For as long as I can remember, I was described as an “easy” kid. I did well in school, I had hobbies I enjoyed, and I always made time for friends and family despite my busy schedule. It all seemed to come naturally to me and it became a standard I held myself to.
As I got older, I began to attach my self-worth to how well I could uphold and exceed this standard. When I didn’t meet these expectations, it was a devastating blow. It didn’t feel like a minor setback I could come back from, it felt like I had failed to uphold a promise to others I didn’t know I was keeping.
I felt like I had to “make it up” to everyone I let down. I thought that maybe if I was more energetic, maybe if I was less sensitive, maybe if I looked different, maybe if I was top of my class, maybe if I was funnier, maybe, maybe, maybe I would finally feel worthy. I would overbook my schedule and spread myself thin, but I always felt like I was carrying so many things that each time I went to pick up one that I dropped, another would slip out of my reach.
For a long time, I didn’t realize that no one around me was holding me to the same standards I was holding myself to. No one was disappointed if I skipped out on plans for some much-needed rest or got a lower grade than I wanted to. I had drained myself and gave and gave and gave until I couldn’t anymore, but the only person I was disappointing was me.
Every day I wondered what I was doing wrong and why I couldn’t “crack the code” to being enough. On the outside, I did everything I could to hide the fact that I thought there was something inherently wrong with me, but I was weighed down by those thoughts everywhere I went.
After many years of feeling this way, I sought help from a therapist during my freshman year of college. I wanted to turn things around during what is supposed to be the most exciting time of my life. I went into my first appointment thinking that she would finally be able to fix me. What really happened is that she said something that I will take into the rest of my life: “you are whole, perfect, and complete.” It’s a simple mantra, but it quickly became my lifeline for when my mind starts to spiral into dangerous territory.
I’m in no means done with this process, but since then, I’ve been working hard for no one but myself to learn and heal. It feels like coming home to a place I’ve missed for so long. I’ll admit, I have my days, but the people that truly love you and the things truly worth your energy will remind you of your worth without needing something in return.
We only get one chance on this earth, so love and nurture yourself and I promise you, the other pieces will fall into place. You’ll mess up and you won’t be perfect, but through all of that you still deserve forgiveness and love. So, if you’re reading this, you are whole, perfect, and complete.
Ally S., Villanova University
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