Maria T.
Photography by Ally Szabo
If you’re reading this, your obsessions, anxieties, and their physical manifestations do not define your worth.
Growing up I didn’t know much about mental health. My brain was occupied by obsessive thoughts, rumination, and overthinking, but in my naivety, I believed these traits were simply personality flaws. I was the teammate at soccer who was too afraid to touch the ball for intense fear of humiliation. I was the indecisive sister, who spent hours in store dressing rooms crippled by the seemingly life altering choice of which dress color I liked best. I was the overly sensitive daughter who struggled to regulate her emotions. I was the friend that scanned every conversation and text message to make sure I had said just the right words.
As I worked my way through high school, I still lacked the language to describe how I was feeling inside, and this manifested in a deep sense of self hate. As my stress peaked junior year, I developed another trait that only worsened my self-loathing: compulsive scalp and skin picking. What started as a mindless habit while studying quickly grew into a compulsive behavior. My scalp, arms, legs, and back were perpetually dotted with red marks and sometimes even blood because of constant scratching. I felt disgusting, alone, and embarrassed for not being able to stop myself.
To my disappointment, these “undesirable traits” only grew stronger as I navigated my transition into the Villanova community. Freshman year I spent nights awake ruminating over conversations and social interactions from the day before. My brain told me that every change in tone and body language was a sign that a friend was annoyed, upset with me, or bored of me. Furthermore, I felt a desperate need to have intense control over all my social interactions and would fall into a downward spiral if I had to choose between overlapping plans. I was plagued with decision paralysis and struggled to prioritize. I would constantly text my sister asking for her reassurance.
All the while I continued in a constant cycle of scratching at my scalp all day, showering every night to try to soothe the pain and promising to stop forever, then feeling like a failure when I’d inevitably start again the next day.
By sophomore year the anxiety and obsessions had latched onto almost every aspect of my college life. Academically, I had a deep-seeded fear of failure, and my brain often felt paralyzed during exams due to anxiousness. Physically, I had developed digestive issues, physical ticks such as shoulder twitches, and I couldn’t think straight without my fingers on my scalp. Socially, I struggled in my closest relationships and was consumed by an intense fear of imperfect social interactions. Emotionally, I was struck by frequent waves of tears that often came without explanation. I felt crazy, like I was uncontrollably unraveling while everyone else at Nova was thriving. I often fell down Google “rabbit holes” trying to find answers. I was so scared to share my habits with anyone because they made me feel crazy, so I kept it all in.
As Sophomore fall turned to winter, my mental struggles began impacting those that I cared about the most and I felt unrecognizable to myself. I finally accepted it was time to ask for help. Through therapy, I have discovered the language to help describe my social anxiety, obsessions/compulsions, and dermatillomania (skin picking). I have learned that my “bad habit” of scratching is actually my body attempting to cope and self-soothe. I am not gross or weak for struggling to stop this compulsion. I have worked to implement healthier coping skills that work in harmony with my neurodivergent traits instead of trying to fight them. I have turned to art and running to channel my restless brain energy into something joyful. While I still face setbacks in my journey, I am so grateful for the resources and opportunities I have had to grow into the confident and self-compassionate person I am today. I can truly see the strengths in my differences, and that is a beautiful feeling.
Please know: you are not broken, you are not alone, it’s never too late to seek help, you deserve to celebrate the light within you!
Maria T., Villanova University
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