Kelly B.
Photography by Mason Schlopy
If you’re reading this, there is so much more to life than success.
In April of my freshman year of high school, my mother drove me home from school. As I walked in the door, our house phone rang. I leaped to get it. When I picked up the phone, all I remember were some words and the break in my dads voice. All of a sudden, my somewhat ordinary life was greatly changed.
10 minutes away, in the house that rivaled my love for my own, my grandfather had breathed his last breath. He was one of my greatest supporters, role models, and was like a second father to me. The next few months were indescribably painful, as I also lost two other family members, and two of my cats I’d grown up with side by side. My family has always been a very key part of my life, and I wouldn’t want it any other way, but the grief was overwhelming. Ultimately, I had lost one of the most important people in my life, and nothing could change that.
I, subconsciously, started to distract myself with work. For the next few years, I studied tirelessly, day and night. I took some of the hardest courses possible and trained in the pool for as many hours as allowed. Physical and mental pain took the place of those feelings I worked so hard to suppress. However, on the surface, I tried my best to ensure that I appeared happy, bubbly, content, and unbothered. I also struggled with some health struggles throughout high school, some days bringing level-10 pain. I experienced many issues so severe I’d land in the ER, once on Thanksgiving my senior year. The doctors said one cause of these may have been stress.
Sometimes, I did earn those awards or honors. Many people would have looked at me in high school and thought I had a lot going for me. Don’t mistake me- I was and am so grateful for each recognition I have received. Unfortunately, though, my desire for success sometimes overtook the love I had for what I was doing. Though I’ve loved swimming my whole life, I’d cry after almost every swim meet I went to my senior year. I’ve learned that success is a double edged sword. If you chase after success, you will never be satisfied. I’ve realized now that I didn’t even know what kind of success I was chasing.
When I started my freshman year of college, this harmful mentality was still present. I did very well my first semester, and I was excited. I received accolades from friends, family, and the university. What people didn’t see, though, was all my additional struggles behind the scenes, such as separation from my family and betrayal from a group of friends I trusted. This hardship was what fueled that success, however I was not truly happy. This chase for perfection also manifested itself in other ways. My longtime struggle with body dysmorphia and unhealthy eating patterns worsened as well.
However, throughout this past year, I found a lot of unexpected pockets of happiness that have lightened my life. For example, I have found some amazing friends I treasure and value so much. Throughout these years of struggle, I have also found joy in nature, music, my faith, fashion, food, exercising, helping others, and more. It’s all about finding what makes you feel joy, and making space for that in your life. You deserve it. A quote from a Coldplay song that has always been one of my favorites, which I used as my senior quote, is “The sun must set to rise.”
I think it’s a wonderful thought that perhaps we must go through dark times to see and appreciate the light.
I am still a work in progress. However, I’ve realized that success should really be measured by the amount you love and the way you make people feel. What I really hope is that everyone reading this is quicker to offer a helping hand than to judge someone, and always remember– you are worth so much more than any trophy or award.
Kelly B., Syracuse University
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