Keaton B.

If you’re reading this, take care of yourself

Starting around middle school age, I’ve struggled with anxiety.  Stomach twisting, heart pounding, mind racing, anxiety.  I’ve spent many nights laying in my bed at night, staring at the ceiling, with tears rolling down the side of my face and onto my pillow. I had no idea why I couldn’t get my mind to stop thinking but 3am would roll around and I still couldn’t fall asleep. Even to this day I still struggle with it, but my sophomore year of college was different. I’ve always just wanted to be known as the type of guy who would always smile and wave at you on campus but this past semester, I couldn’t even find the energy to do that.  I was in the hardest classes I’ve ever taken, working opening shift at McComas, I was getting observational hours with a Physical Therapist, working athletic training with the track team, trying to show up to events for German Club, all while making sure I had time in the gym every day to hopefully keep some time for something I love to do.

“I love being busy” I told myself and everybody else because I didn’t want people to know I was struggling but being this busy made my anxiety at night even worse. 

I DO love being busy, but I had taken it too far.  I had taken it so far that I didn’t care to say hi to people on the way to class and I never wanted to go out on weekends because it was the only time I had for myself. I had taken it so far that I had so many anxious thoughts built up throughout the day, that at night, they spiraled out of control and the thought in the back of my head knowing I had to be up for work in 4 hours didn’t help.  Not being able to put my all into every organization made me feel like all the energy I was putting into each day wasn’t even worth it.  I constantly got comments like “Bro, you never show out to anything” or “Are you seriously not going?” or “You’re so lame for that” and the constant pressure to go to everything possible and to be fully invested in it while you’re there, just made me feel bad for not going.  I was dulled and filtered until I became what I thought was more acceptable for those around me. 

Why did I feel the need to shrink my space to allow others to seem more comfortable?

This is not to put anybody down, I love the passion for the club and the love for what you’re involved in, but these comments only pushed my anxiety further. Not only did I get these comments, but I would also notice people not giving me the time of day to even respond to me when I said hi. I asked why and they would say they weren’t talking to me as much because I wasn’t going to much stuff.  Feeling isolated from some of my closest friends while trying to set myself up for grad schools, keeping my grades up, and keeping a good name for myself was pushing my anxiety over the edge.

This year I am prioritizing myself, my time, and not letting words from other people change the way I live my life. As a member of the G.E.R.M.A.N. Club of Virginia Tech, I reflect a lot of my values off “the ritual” and what each letter means: Gentleman, Earnestness, Responsibility and Reputation, Manhood, Aim, and Name. Within Manhood states a lot of powerful words that anybody, male or female, in The German Club or not, could reflect on. From Manhood:

In all that the word implies, be a Man: to me, manhood is making those decisions. Manhood is knowing where the line is and prioritizing yourself when need be.  This is something I didn’t do last semester. I let my schedule drown me and take over my life and my happiness.

Do what your manhood bids that you do, from none but self-expect applause: Stop being a people pleaser, be a man and do what is good for YOU. If you think I’m going to do something I don’t want to do just because everybody else wants me to do it, then you’re mistaken.  I’m not saying don’t go to work or meetings or events, go to everything you can and make the most out of your college experience, but when you are sacrificing your mental health for a something, you’re not doing what your manhood bids you do. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t necessarily want to do, but being a man is recognizing when you need to stand firm and when it has gone too far.

It expects you to love truth, hate wrong, and respect others as you do yourself: To me, this is emphasizing to hold true to your own values. Expecting everybody in your community to conform to the same ideas or ways of life as each other would be harmful to the uniqueness of your community.  If you love truth and hate wrong, then you’re sticking to your values and who you are.

One cannot always be a hero, but one can always be a man: I wanted to make the most out of my college years and have limitless memories, but you can only be in one place at one time so make the most of it. Sometimes prioritizing the place you are right now means dropping something else you may still love because M means knowing how to prioritize and making that decision in your life with authority.

To wrap up, you are the only human who is going to be with you for the entirety of your life, so stop trying to please other people. The second you let your schedule, other people, or anything else take over your life or your mental health is the second that you have lost your identity and who you truly are as a man.

Keaton B., Virginia Tech

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