Arianne R.

Photography by Mason Schlopy

If you're reading this, life is so much better with you here.

Since the day I was born, I lived with my twin sister, mom, and dad for 16 years. One night in early December, my family gathered around the dining table to celebrate Hanukkah like we did each year. Nothing seemed off about anyone; we were laughing, dancing, and celebrating the holiday together. I was unaware this Hanukkah dinner would be my last memory of my dad because, on December 4th, 2018, I awoke to the news that he had taken his life in the backyard.

Losing my dad was undoubtedly one of the most challenging moments of my life. The pain of losing your best friend and your biggest role model is something no one often experiences at such a young age. I spent multiple days locked in my room, hysterically crying. After a few weeks passed, I finally built up the courage to leave home. Stepping back into reality was one of the worst experiences I've lived through. The clothes, music, aromas, sounds, everything reminded me of him. I spent weeks crying until my body physically couldn't handle it anymore. 

Although I've overcome this mental state, his absence still lingers. I often find myself missing his laughter, advice, and comforting presence. His absence at my high school prom, receiving my college acceptance, attending my high school graduation, and helping me move to Syracuse as a freshman frequently crossed my mind. He will never see me graduate college, pursue a career, walk me down the aisle, and meet my future family; the feeling of emptiness will always find its way back. Grief is a journey that never truly ends. If you know anyone struggling with grief, be there for them. It's one of the most complicated feelings to conquer; my friends and family were my most significant support system in helping me push through the pain. It took me over three years to become mentally stable after losing him, and this is something I still struggle with.

As time has passed, I've realized I've learned so much about myself from this life-changing experience. As I've started to grow up without my dad, I've developed abandonment issues. During the first few years of high school, I resorted to harmful coping methods and made many impulsive decisions, causing the birth of my struggle with depression. Although I sometimes struggle with these issues, they don't define me. I can only become a better person by learning from my mistakes. While I still overcome the battle of loss, emptiness, abandonment, and impulsiveness, I've realized I am one of the strongest people I know. I've picked myself back up on my feet, and I've grown so much. It's been a long and challenging ride, but I am proud of who I am and where I stand today. I embrace carrying these challenges within me, yet very few people know these aspects of me. 

Coming to Syracuse University as a freshman with no form of solidity in new relationships, I struggled to find those who cared enough about me. No one knew my backstory as to why I am the way I am. I still struggle with making bad choices and having empty relationships, but something I learned from my dad was the idea that if they care and love you enough, they will look beyond your struggles.

Instead of feeling the pain of my loss, I try to think of everything from a positive perspective. I have a deeper appreciation for the fragility of life and the importance of cherishing every moment with loved ones. My dad's passing taught me to prioritize relationships, express my feelings openly, and never take the people I care about for granted. It has shown me the value of time spent together and forced me to confront my mortality and emotions head-on. It has pushed me to grow, adapt, and find ways to honor his memory by becoming a better person. I've gained a profound empathy for others who go through similar experiences. I now understand the depth of sorrow that accompanies grief, and it has opened my heart to support those struggling with their losses. My biggest lesson from this is your power to change someone's life. 

It's okay not to be okay. It's okay to feel alone and helpless. You aren't alone—check in on friends, including those who seem okay. Hug your friends, hug your loved ones tighter. Say hello to those you don't interact with much. Smile at a stranger every once in a while. Appreciate every moment you can; life doesn't last forever. You never know what someone is going through, and you can be that person to change a life. If you are struggling, don't be afraid to ask for help. You are so loved, cherished, and appreciated. Life is worth every moment with you here.

Arianne R., Syracuse University

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