Sydney C.

Photography by Jackson Covert

If you’re reading this, my name is Sydney Castle.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Life is what you make it. Always has been, always will be.” I came across this quote in middle school and never understood why I always seemed to default back to it until I reflected on it years later in college. Specifically, in Ross Sloan's DISC course when we read Stitches, David Small’s memoir of overcoming the cycle of abuse.  

I grew up fearing a verbally and physically abusive father. I haven't had any contact with him in over nine years and was left with questions that were impossible to answer. I went through all cycles of abuse, even justifying his actions by denying they were wrong. Since he'd been out of my life for so long, I did not think I would deal with those emotions again. 

I entered Sloan's class with my father’s last name. On the outside, I was a thriving college freshman. However, there was brokenness inside. I didn't know it existed until we read graphic lines of David’s mother abusing him aloud, and I had a panic attack in the middle of class.

I didn’t know I wasn’t okay until I wasn’t okay.

I needed to understand what was happening for my own mental health, which meant talking about it. In my personal journey of overcoming abuse, I have found that to be the hardest part. I had it in my head that if I didn’t talk about it, it didn’t happen - because verbalizing things makes them real.

I shared my past with Sloan when explaining why I left in the middle of his class. It was in his office that I was able to verbalize: “I suffer from PTSD.” His infinite amount of support during the process changed my life. He gave me the strength to talk about my experience for the first time in 7 years, which led to a journey of rediscovering my identity. Two years into the process, I considered what it meant that I still had my father's last name.

It took years of counseling to realize that what had happened was no one’s fault but my father’s. I needed to make life what I want it to be and be defined by my own actions, rather than his. To move forward, I could not go down the path of feeling sorry for myself, but instead had to take control and make this experience one to overcome rather than one to be overcome by. 

While most can embrace their last names as a part of the legacy handed down to them by their families, I was left with a burden. I realized that the cornerstone of my identity was gone and the most foundational person to my identity was my father, not myself. In our culture, your family name is everything and should be something you own with confidence and pride - not shame. 

It felt like my father was the founder of my identity when I would introduce myself with his last name or write the name down. It was a reminder of what I have been fighting for so long to escape. Even my accomplishments and milestones felt somehow co-opted when I wasn’t just Sydney, but a representation of my father. The name began to constrain me. That last name is part of his legacy, one that I am not proud of and have known for a long time that I want to leave behind. 

It was time to continue my story, my life, as one solely authored by me with a name I can be proud of.

So, I did what I never thought I would have the strength and power to do and changed my last name to Castle, my mom’s maiden name, my junior year of college. To me, her name means resilience, love, and fighting for family.

I share my story to celebrate how far I’ve come and because I am tired of feeling ashamed of what happened in my past. If I had a do-over, I wouldn’t change a thing because what I went through made me who I am today. I am happy. I am succeeding, defining my future and my life for myself. I also wouldn’t have the friends and mentors I have gained through the years or the bond I share with my brother without this struggle. 

There is a stigma around abuse where society has convinced us it is an inappropriate topic to talk about in social situations. There should not be. Society also tells us that its unacceptable to struggle. We are constantly looking at glorified versions of people’s lives via social media where everyone appears to have a perfect life with no failures, pain, struggles, or trials. No one posts about the pain because society encourages everyone to focus on constructing and projecting inauthentic versions of themselves.

Until that day in Ross Sloan’s class, I mistakenly believed that going to counseling years ago fixed everything and it would be over. I’m writing this aware that I will be fighting the repercussions of the abuse for the rest of my life, but I have comfort in knowing I do not have to do it alone. My life is what I make of it. Always has been, always will be. I choose to not be silenced by my past but instead to celebrate what I overcame surrounded by the people I love. 

There is strength and power in telling your story. So, if you’re reading this, share your story and know you're not alone.

Sydney C., Southern Methodist University

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