Sophie B.
Photography by Bri Nitsberg
If you’re reading this, your worth is not determined by your achievements.
I’ve always been an achiever. I got gold stars in elementary school, good AP scores in high school, and now attend a great university. I used to measure my life by these achievements. While I have always had anxiety, it was not until I faced health challenges that prevented me from achieving that I truly struggled with my mental health.
After my freshman year of college, I worked at a summer camp. One day, I was riding the bus after camp and felt some pain behind my ear. I assumed it was just a headache and took medicine when I arrived home. Hours passed, and I forgot about the pain. When my mom called me downstairs for dinner, my sister remarked that my face looked off, as if my facial expressions were not working correctly. The rest of my family agreed. I panicked. I had never experienced a health emergency before, so going to the emergency room was terrifying. After a night spent in the ER, I was diagnosed with Bell’s Palsy, or temporary paralysis of one side of the face.
My life stopped. I could not go to work because I couldn’t close one of my eyes and my neck was in a lot of pain. Since I could not work, I couldn’t be praised or work towards a goal. I resolved that if I couldn’t achieve at work, I could at least conquer my health. I did facial exercises and consulted the Internet for the fasting ways of healing. However, my Bell’s Palsy stuck to the normal timeline – about a 6-week recovery period. No matter what I tried, I could not “achieve” anything in my incapacitated state.
Once I recovered, I had continual anxiety about being struck down again. Since I had placed all of my self-worth in tangible rewards, all I could think about was not being able to function according to my (extremely high) standard. The stress mounted, and I found myself in a vicious cycle in order to meet my goals. My anxiety was like a wildfire. Once I had put out one worry, another would pop up. This grind was exhausting and consumed my waking life.
The next summer, I could not deal with the stress anymore. I had such a bad panic attack that it landed me in the ER again, right where I did not want to be. The fear of being incapacitated again was so overwhelming that I had to spend six weeks at home. I got a psychiatrist, and the medication I was put on helped my anxiety but made me extremely tired. While I was not actively panicking, I was spending my time worrying about how I was not going to be able to get better in time to go back to school, and that I would not be able to graduate on time.
I was able to go back to school, but with many new medications and worries. Now I was concerned both about getting Bell’s Palsy again and having another breakdown. My anxiety wildfire raged, so I brought another firefighter onto my team in the form of a therapist. She allowed me to realize the importance I gave to achievements. I saw the trend: the more I emphasized good grades and awards, the more worried I was that I would not be able to achieve them. I measured my value in bullet points on a resume. I had forgotten about other traits of mine, like empathy, kindness, and honesty. I was made up of so much more.
Now I recognize that I am made up of many things. Achievements, yes, but also memories, dreams, and experiences. When something unexpected happens, it is not the case that I am no longer valuable just because I cannot produce. I have value because I am Sophie. I deserve a place on this Earth, and so do you.
“Your self-worth is determined by you. You don’t have to depend on someone telling you who you are” - Beyoncé
Sophie B., Washington University in St. Louis
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at WashU on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to WashU students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.
