Cassidy G.
Photography by Aneesa Wermers
In this letter, I reference my personal experience with fluctuating mental health, including suicidal ideation. I want to acknowledge that this topic can be hard and triggering for many people, so I ask that you take the time to honor what you need in deciding whether to read right now or not. If you are struggling and want help finding appropriate resources, let’s connect. Please reach out.
If you’re reading this, I want you to know, first and foremost, that I am just as fucked up as you.
Are you asking yourself if you read that right?! Yes, I said it, but hear me out because I don’t mean it in the potentially negative way you may at first perceive it.
What I mean, what I want to say, is that if you are reading this, I want you to know that there is a flawed human who is sitting on the other side of this screen, vulnerably typing the words that share parts of her story that younger-her can’t believe she is sharing in this form, again, for the entire World Wide Web to read; that she felt the feelings of shame, of embarrassment, of pride, of joy, of absolutely terrorizing FEAR, and she showed up anyway, even though certain parts were screaming at her not to. What I mean, what I want to say, is that the person on this side of the keyboard is not immune to the struggles that come with being human - the questions, big and small, about life, love, and loss, about all the things, plague her regularly. They didn’t use to, or at least she doesn’t remember if they did; but that’s because for so long she was so numb to life that she couldn’t experience the range of emotions necessary to fully be alive. The person on the other side of this computer screen is feeling hints of grief as she writes this - grief for the versions of her that didn’t want to survive, that didn’t think she was worth the effort to be here, now. And simultaneously, she’s feeling deep gratitude for the fact that she did make it through to enable her to be here, now, writing this to you.
So I guess what I mean, what I want to say, is that if you are reading this, you are not a burden, even if your brain is convincing you of the opposite. And also, if you are expecting a “how to” guide from the mental health clinician & educator because you're thinking, she must have her shit figured out, she doesn’t. She still struggles, she experiences fluctuations in her mental health, and she knows what it means to feel like a burden. But, perhaps because of all this, she is also deeply rooted in her knowing that she is worth fighting for. She fully embraces the scary feelings and emotions (or is trying) because she knows the beauty that’s possible on the other side of the suffering. She didn’t always feel this way (you can read more of that story here) - and she’s guessing that some of you reading this have moments where you don’t, either. But now, I guess I’m here to say that if you are struggling, if you’re finding it hard to feel the desire to continue on - especially if you’re not even sure where or why or how you’re struggling, you just feel in a rut - that it does not mean there is anything wrong with you. It does not mean that you are not worthy and deserving of help and hope; it does not mean that your harmful or hurtful thoughts are the truth; I’m here to say that you are, without a doubt, worth fighting for. I was there, too. It’s really hard, and I’m so sorry you are experiencing it. Your pain is valid. I believe you.
I wish I could package it all up to present to you with a pretty bow on top, a summary of easy steps and tasks to prove that life is worth living for, that your story is unequivocally important, and that it’ll get better if you just do ‘this’. But I can’t do that; I won’t try to do that. Because the fact of the matter is, my story is just that: mine. It’s deeply personal and individual to my own life experiences, my own upbringing, my own thought patterns, and learned messages for how to exist, survive, and succeed in the world. Your story will inevitably be different, and I will never fully understand what it’s like to live life in your shoes. So I don’t want you to read my words and think, “That’s what I’m supposed to do. That’s how I’m supposed to feel. That’s where I’m supposed to be”. Instead, I want to share just a fraction of my story in a way that feels honoring of what the me-writing-this needs, what feels right, in this moment. I am writing to younger-me now, and I wonder if it can help you envision what you might say to younger-you as well. Or, what does future-you want to say to current-you?
What I say to her, to younger-me, is this:
The gifts that you bring to this world are the things that have been true about you since the earliest memories you can recall. The things that light your world on fire, the questions you pondered with a profound knowing, the exquisite way you were when you were your truest, most childlike self - full of awe, and wonder, and shameless curiosity about what was right in front of you - these things are all what you will find your way back to, and embracing them are what will change your life. Or rather, are what will bring you back to life. Continue to unearth these gifts.
It will take “failing”, many times, to understand that the only true failure is living a life that is inauthentic to who you are, that is lived for others and not for self. You will come to see “failure,” as defined by the culture of the society you grew up in, as actually the birthplace of returning to different parts of you that you learned to hide, to turn away from. You will come to see these experiences as pivotal stepping stones on your journey back home to yourself. And you will undoubtedly look back on this moment, a few years down the line, and reflect on all the “failures” since. It is my hope for you that you cast all doubt to the wind as you continue to listen to the pull of your heart, the nagging of your soul, as you journey through the peaks and valleys that are sure to come.
It is all so much more enjoyable when done in community. You will learn how to be in solitude, this is a crucial part of your journey to self discovery, but you also need to remember that life is not meant to be lived alone. Be picky - honor yourself - but let people in. It is so much better.
You will find true freedom when you learn to let go of the need for perfection and constant achievement. Slowly, over time, with consistent practice, curiosity, and self-compassion, you will learn how to trust yourself and be okay in the uncertainty. You will find the etchings of the life you want only by allowing your imperfect marks to be fully seen and acknowledged in the world. You will learn to pull apart and outright reject your belief that your ability to achieve denotes your worthiness of love.
In fact, you will learn that the most beautiful lessons and memories are not just the “happy” ones; instead, they are the ones where you let your biggest fears and dreams come out of the shadows and into your conscious awareness. When you can open the door for these parts to be seen, be heard, be explored, you will experience a shift and will gain a new perspective and understanding. And it will blow your mind, every time, until hopefully you are no longer surprised by the ability - the privilege - to trust your intuition.
You will experience joy and serenity and excitement only to the extent that you can embrace pain and grief and sorrow. It will take many iterations to learn how to feel all the feels. You will have to begin again, many times. Spoiler alert, present-me still struggles; the autopilot of avoidance is still strong. But every time you lean into the discomfort, and you allow yourself to begin again, you honor yourself a little bit more. You come out a little bit stronger, a little bit more rooted in your truth, & a lot more capable of gratitude for it all.
If you are reading this, younger-me, I want you to know that we are all a little bit fucked up. You will come to appreciate that these quirks and imperfections are the exact things that will enable you to show up as yourself, with your gifts, in important ways in the world. Your pain will equip you with the empathy to be there for others in a way that will give you more clarity than it will ever give them. Your insecurities will be the fuel for the fire that will help keep you grounded in your desire to make an impact; they will also be the things that threaten to destroy the foundation you have worked - & will continue to be working - so hard to create. So tread lightly, go slowly, and be humbly gentle in your ferociousness for the truth. And, most of all, continue to go inwards first. As our favorite Glennon Doyle says, “Every time you're given a choice between disappointing someone else and disappointing yourself, your duty is to disappoint that someone else. Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.”
So to all of you, if you are reading this - I’m just as fucked up as you. And it is my very imperfect and rough-around-the-edges parts that make me want to say to you, that make me KNOW, you are worth it, & you got this. That you bring something so special, so unique, to the world that no one else can play your part - even if you're not quite sure what that is yet. I don’t know what your journey will hold, and I don’t know what trials and tribulations you’ve already faced, but I do know that there is not a single reality in which this world is better without you in it. The parts of you that you have learned to hide, to turn away from, in order to survive - those parts are just as important, if not more, as the ones that are easier to show. Those parts may very well end up being the parts of you that teach you how to have the most grace for yourself.
It is my sincere hope that we can all learn how to choose disappointing someone else over disappointing ourselves. That we can all embrace the necessary reality of “failure,” together. That we can slow down, even just a little bit, and remember that life can be damn hard and it is okay to not be okay. That we can all learn how to sit in the uncomfortable, amidst the promise of uncertainty, and recognize the imperfect humanity of those next to us as the brutiful (brutal & beautiful) truth that it is: embracing it all is the way we live lives of meaning, of purpose, of fulfillment. It is the way we come back home to ourselves, and avoid disappointing ourselves. If you are reading this, you are a gift - all the parts of you - and I am so grateful you are here. ❤️
Cassidy Gallegos (she/her), M.A. MHC
Assistant Director, Mental Health & Wellness
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