Abigail G.
Photography by Ashley Kung
If you’re reading this, it’s not normal to feel this way. Don’t ignore the symptoms, there’s no shame in asking for help.
Before reading this letter, we'd like for you to know it discusses Abigail’s experience with an eating disorder. If you think that reading about this will be triggering for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, we encourage you to read a letter on a different topic, such as Dr. Chandler's letter. If you're reading this, your feelings are valid.
I never realized that I struggled with a mental illness. That wasn’t something that existed in my family. I come from a religious household that didn’t understand that I couldn’t simply just “pray away” the problem. I thought I had to be going through this life-altering, horrifically traumatizing experience in order for the little heart palpitations and non-stop thoughts I was experiencing to be considered “anxiety.” As far as I was concerned, I didn’t have it all that bad.
I’d always say, “Well, others have it worse,” or “My problems aren’t even that big of a deal.”
But the truth is, there is no threshold for what is considered a “big deal.” A problem is a problem, regardless of the standard I had set in my mind. I was hurting myself without even realizing it.
Up until last week, I had lost my period for over a year. I had been struggling with an eating disorder, one that I was in full denial of. I convinced my friends, family, and myself that I just “wasn’t hungry” lately, or was trying to be more “healthy” and “mindful” with what I was putting into my body. I was working out frequently and pushing myself to my limits. I had a routine that the second I would fall out of it, or something would get in the way, I would lose my mind. I had to track every calorie. I had to know exactly where we were going to eat, what time, the menu, and how many minutes on the stairmaster I’d have to go on to burn it all off. My body was slowly starting to shut down, and I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t process that I was struggling or that losing twenty pounds in a few months was a problem. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t have a “real problem” because nothing “bad” was happening in my life.
In February 2025, I went through all these procedures to try and find out what was going on with my body. I was continually losing weight without even trying. I was bruising easily, and my hair was starting to thin out. I was extremely constipated and fatigued. I ended up getting a colonoscopy because I thought my digestive tract was failing. The funny part of it all was that, even despite all of these symptoms and actively avoiding every meal, I still didn’t think it was an eating disorder. I was totally convinced it was just my health declining on its own.
It wasn’t until July when I realized that I had a problem. I had my first full-blown panic attack. I had been invited to go to a restaurant with my friends, and I couldn’t find the nutrition information online. My mind began to spiral. I couldn’t eat there. All I could think was that I had to be able to log my meal, I had to be able to stay within my calorie deficit. Right in front of my friends, my body began to shut down. I felt like I was dying. My heart was beating so rapidly. My head was spinning. My vision began to blur. There was nothing anyone could do or say that could bring me out of it. I will never forget that feeling–the tightness in my chest and the cold sweat that broke through my body. I felt the blood prickle around my cheeks and veins. I felt like a ticking time bomb that couldn’t be unwound.
I was diagnosed with anxiety, and my eating disorder finally had a name to it. I still have a hard time expressing outloud, but slowly, I’ve been able to recover. As I stated, I got my period back. I gained back some weight, and now, slowly but surely, I am healing. I feel like myself again. There are definitely days when I feel guilty or shameful of the way that I treat my body. There are days I feel like I am dramatic or making my problems seem bigger than they are. But I’ve had to remind myself to trust myself, to trust my instincts, to listen to my body. No one knows you better than you do. Be kinder to yourself. Be gentler. It’s your first time going through life.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to tune into yourself and listen. No problem is insignificant.
Abigail G., University of Florida
Connect With Us
To follow IfYoureReadingThis at UF on Instagram, get in touch with our chapter, and learn about more resources available to UF students, visit our chapter’s homepage.
AUTHOR CONTACT
This author has opted to allow readers who resonate with their story to contact them. If you would like to speak to the author of this letter about their experience, please use the form below.
