Thomas E.

Photography by Riley Rutand

Before reading this letter, we'd like for you to know it discusses Thomas E.'s experience with suicide. If you think that reading about this will be triggering for you, we encourage you to take a pause before reading this letter, center yourself, and prepare any resources you may need to access after reading it. If you'd rather not read this letter, we encourage you to read a letter on a different topic, such as Dana Q.'s or Caroline L.'s letter. If you're reading this, your feelings are valid.


If you’re reading this, let go of what people think of you. Allow yourself to be free of others’ judgments and opinions. Be kind to yourself and others - You never know what someone else is going through!

From a very young age, I've always felt different. Even when surrounded by friends and family, I felt like the odd one out. My mental health journey has always been intertwined with my sexuality. Early high school is when my depression and anxiety started taking over my day-to-day life. For background, I went to a private Christian school with a class size of around 75 people per class. Once the ‘Thomas is gay’ rumors started going around, my mental health declined. It felt like I was under a microscope - How I walked, how I talked, how I stood, the clothes I wore, the things I would post on social media, what I would eat for lunch. Everything I did just felt like a new critique. I think this is where my tendency to overthink comes from.

As a 15-year-old, it is extremely hard to accept that your sexuality is different than the norm. Most of my friends started drifting apart from me. It got to the point where confrontation about my sexuality was a daily occurrence. I had one true friend who really stood up for me, and sometimes all it takes is that one person to keep you going. I was so ashamed of myself. Why was it me that had to be gay? How can I change to be like everyone else? There were nights that I just prayed I wouldn't wake up in the morning because I couldn’t take the constant shame from my peers. My parents could tell something was going on, but I couldn't find the courage to tell them how much I was struggling because I was scared that they would look at me differently. I felt so isolated.

During my junior year of high school, I attempted suicide. I had been bullied into thinking that my life was not worthy of living just because I was gay. I wish I was the only one who had to feel like that. But the truth is that most queer people feel this way: "LGBTQ youth are more than four times as likely to attempt suicide than their peers" (Trevor Project). I didn’t think I’d ever quote something outside of academic writing haha. The environment in which I was trying to navigate my emotions and my sexuality was destroying me. I ended up transferring schools, getting professional help, and going off and on a couple of medications here and there. What helped the most was getting out of that environment and allowing myself to have somewhat of a fresh start.

Today, I’m sitting at the rowing docks writing this and letting myself reflect on how far I’ve come. Clemson has become a sort of safe haven to me. A place where I challenged myself, a place where I found people who love me for who I am, a place where I am truly happy, a place where I’ve chased my dreams and accomplished some. As I’m sitting here, cherishing the last month or so I have left in Clemson, I’m listening to one of my favorite albums and some lyrics that resonate are:

“I’d ride on the carousel round and around forever if I could.”

“Growing up a little at a time, then all at once.”

“I know you're scared but so was I, all will be revealed in time.”

This feeling I have towards Clemson I haven’t really felt before. I was so ready to leave my hometown and come to Clemson. I'm excited to start my next chapter in Charleston, but I don’t want to leave Clemson quite yet. And don’t get me wrong, going to MUSC has always been my dream. But I can’t help but feel like I’m leaving a piece of me in Clemson, that piece being someone I’ll never really get to experience again. There’s a certain feeling that I’ve had during my time here and I'm scared with age and movement that that feeling might go away. I don't know if the feeling is freedom that I’m trying to describe, or love, happiness, peace, empowerment, confidence, comfortability, naivety, or a mix of all of the above. Clemson has provided me with an environment that I have truly thrived in and I am forever grateful for the years I have spent here.

Be your true authentic self and happiness will follow. Love yourself. Surround yourself with people who support and uplift you!

Thomas E., Clemson University

 

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