Sydney B.

Photography by Caroline MacLaren

If you’re reading this, you are not a burden and you deserve to be heard.

I was always the kind of person that wanted to be dependable for others. I wanted to be the one friends come to for advice; the one that was always a shoulder to cry on. But when you have your own battles to fight, it’s okay to acknowledge that you also need help. Other people are just as willing to be there for you as you are to be there for them, I promise.

Vulnerability has always been something that I’ve struggled with. I love having open and honest conversations, but it becomes so much more intimidating when you’re the one putting your heart on the line. Even doing this makes me anxious, but my hope is that my story can help someone else. If this touches even one person, the fear was worth it.

I lost my dad when I was fourteen, less than a week before I started my freshman year of high school. It was completely unexpected, and it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. I have never felt more alone. I saw how uneasy my friends became after seeing me broken at the wake and funeral services. They didn’t know what to say, so many didn’t say much at all. It made me incredibly insecure.

As a people-pleaser, the last thing I would ever want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable, so I shut down. I didn’t want people to see me as broken or hesitate to laugh and smile around me, and I wanted to once again be seen as the dependable friend. All I wanted was to be a “normal high school student,” and I used those exact words with my mom when she asked me how I wanted to go about the school year. I panicked when she suggested I see a therapist to try and work through the immense emotions I was experiencing because of the stigma surrounding mental health treatment.

My anxiety worsened, and for a long time I hesitated before going anywhere that wasn’t home or school. I was afraid of having to talk about it, afraid of people seeing me at my worst, and afraid of losing control.

It took me a long time to realize the power that talking to someone and actively asking for help can hold. It’s still something I’m trying to get better at, and it’s going to be a long road for me to get to a place where I can readily admit when I’m not okay, but you always have to start somewhere. Therapy opened so many doors for me, and that’s what I always remind myself when doubt and insecurity start creeping into my mind.

There will always be people who care about you, love you, and want to be there for you, even in your darkest moments. But they can’t help you if they don’t know you’re struggling. Whether it’s a friend, family member, mental health professional, or someone else in your life, choose a few people you feel comfortable confiding in. If someone asks you how you are, tell them the honest truth. It’s so easy to dismiss the question and move on, but that’s such an easy way to open up a conversation, especially if you’re hesitant about getting vulnerable.

Your emotions are valid. Your anxieties are valid. Your emotional needs are not a burden to others, and you are not broken. You deserve to have a place you can go to be your most authentic self and express however it is you’re feeling at any given moment. Take pride in the fact that you can feel so deeply, and that you’re taking the brave steps towards opening yourself up to others.

The people that care about you want to share in your hardships and make them lighter for you. Don’t be afraid to let someone else help you carry the load. You are stronger than you know, and I am so proud of you.

Sydney B., Villanova University

 

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