Sai R.

Photography by Ally Szabo

I always deemed myself to be someone who was able to stifle my emotions and put on a happy facade. Regardless of how tough things got, I was able to simply move on from it. This was my go-to strategy throughout high school and the start of my college career. Most people knew me as a happy, easygoing, talkative individual, and this was the type of mask I aimed to use. Many hurdles came my way, but I stayed happy and kept moving.

Nothing would have ever prepared me for the start of my junior year of college. Suddenly, it felt like my whole world was falling apart. I would wake up and just not feel like myself, and this concerned me heavily. I would always tell myself I’ll probably feel better tomorrow or the next day. The next day would come, and it would be more or less the same thing. For the most part, I was able to go about my day and be cheerful and happy, but this was extremely draining. I thought to myself, “Fake it till I make it.”

I always wanted to be the person that was there for others. I always put others before myself, especially the people who I loved the most. But it got to the point where I knew I had to take care of myself before I could be there for others. I decided to attend therapy with the expectation that I would feel better immediately. After my first couple of sessions, nothing really seemed to change, and I grew more and more frustrated with why I simply wasn’t myself. Eventually, as my mental health declined, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. This was one of the most crushing moments of my life as I genuinely felt so alone and isolated.

Little did I know that this would be one of my biggest learning and growth moments. Struggling through depression was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, coupled with the fact that I did not want anyone to know what I was going through. It got to the point where I was safe opening up to my closest circle, but this ended up being a double-edged sword. Making myself vulnerable was extremely difficult, and it left me open to being manipulated and emotionally abused. The more this abuse persisted the worse my mental health became. I was broken and even the people I trusted the most took advantage of my depression. I would constantly be told, “Your depression is the reason….;” “The only reason why you think that is because of your depression;” “I’m not sure if it’s you or your depression talking.” Hearing this was incredibly damaging to my mental health. Eventually, I believed that this would never get better and that these statements were true.

It was a major learning moment for me to see people who I considered close to me turn their backs on me when I was at the worst times of my life. Despite this, it was a relief to see all of the people that genuinely cared for me and made sure I was okay. I always thought that the way I cared about people was universal and that everyone cared about each other the same way. Sadly, this is not true. Oftentimes, people will only stick around when things are smooth and fine, “fair weather,” and when things start to go south, they are the first to abandon ship. “People most of the time won’t understand the things you’ve endured and your story, and it isn’t your responsibility to make them understand you” is a quote my therapist told me and has stuck with me.

This helped me learn that regardless of what anyone says or how you feel, you ARE NOT ALONE. There are always people by your side that genuinely want the best for you. No matter how lonely I felt, the people in my life made sure they were there for me, directly and indirectly. No matter how people made me feel, the people who truly cared for me made sure they were there for me through thick and thin. I wouldn’t be in the place I am without them. People you would least expect to be there will come to help you. Regardless of the case, you will always have someone in your corner.

You have to believe that you are loved, and I know that it’s incredibly hard to do. I hated myself day in and day out and would be so frustrated with why my mind was making things so much harder. Having this self-perception, I also believed others thought the same of me. No matter how much reassurance I received, I would not believe anyone. Being gentler and kinder altered my view of myself and made me find who I truly was again. I grew to like myself slowly and slowly, and in turn, found and believed that I was loved by myself and others. The perception you have of yourself is WAY more powerful than any negative thing someone else may say about you. Not letting people define me was one of the best decisions I could have ever made.

Through all this, I was able to find true happiness within myself and with others, and I was able to become so much more connected with my friends and family. I feel like I am in such an incredible place mentally, which is a place I always wanted to get to. There is always hope and things will get better. No matter how bleak times may seem, there will always be better times ahead. I promise there are people out there that genuinely care, always.

You are never alone.

Sai R., Villanova University

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