Rowan B.
Photography by Rowan B.
If you’re reading this, you are exactly where you’re meant to be.
The odds of you being born are 1 in 102,685,000. To put that into perspective, the number of atoms in the known universe is estimated to be about 1080. Statistically speaking, the probability of either of us being here is basically zero. That’s not even including the multitude of decisions you made to arrive at this very moment. And yet, here we are.
When I was very young, I was eager to grow up. I always associated adulthood with independence. The freedom to make decisions, to choose my own identity. But as I got older, and I began to understand more about the world around me, I couldn’t help but feel this growing sense of anxiety and unease about my future. On one hand, it seemed infinite – I could go anywhere, be anyone – and that overwhelmed me. I was frozen, petrified that I might make the wrong decision. What if I chose a path, and it turned out to be the wrong one? What if I don’t want to live just one way my entire life? Why do I have to decide this here and now? But my indecisiveness felt even worse. I hated myself: for my lack of direction, for being afraid. What happened to that clever little girl who was never afraid, who didn’t overthink everything, who knew what she wanted to be?
This all came to a head my freshman year at Arizona State University. I hadn’t originally intended on coming out here for school. It was a last-minute decision, and I came with nothing but my clothes. I was isolated from my friends and family. I chose my major on a whim, and I was miserable in most of my classes. I didn’t know a soul, and on some days, it didn’t even feel like I knew myself. My frustration manifested as a deep self-hatred. I was a ghost of who I always thought of myself to be.
Over time, I began to realize the strange probability of it all. And I realized that while things had turned out different, that there were beautiful moments I never would have had. How if I had never come out here, I wouldn’t have met the people I did, made the connections I have. How I wouldn’t have dated my loving partner of almost 5 years. How I wouldn’t have tasted the most delicious food, laughed the deepest belly laughs, cried tears of joy and grief. In all the ways I pictured my life going, it was never this. It was, mathematically speaking, an anomaly. But I realized that where some doors had closed, others had opened. Maybe this was where I was meant to be. The universe brought me here for a reason, and I was loved by so many. Eventually, I found the courage to reach out to my support system and accept the help I needed. I found a career I’m passionate about, and I’ve made life-long friendships I’d never dreamed of. It was, to this day, the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. But it made me who I am, and I am so incredibly grateful that I did.
As young adults, we can feel limited by our decisions. There’s this fear that once you choose something – our career path, our life plans, our partners – that you’ll be stuck with that decision for the rest of your life. But at any age, no matter where you are in life, you have the power to choose whoever you want to be. And there are so many people available to support you along the way. It may look a bit different than what you originally planned, but it doesn’t make it any less special. Despite the odds, you are here for a reason. You were brought here and arrived at this very moment because you are wanted, and cared for, and deeply, truly loved.
Rowan B., Arizona State University ‘22
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