Luke L.
Photography by Savannah Mitchell
If you’re reading this, it’s okay to say no.
This is for the people who constantly say yes when their guts are screaming no. This is for the people who feel an overwhelming weight on their shoulders from trying to please everyone you come in contact with. This is for the people who have crippling anxiety worrying about what other people will think if you don’t say what you know will make them happy. This is for the people that are ruined by their fear of making a mistake and disappointing others in the process.
I grew up going to the ends of the Earth to serve others because I’m a servant personality. My urge to serve others and put smiles on people’s faces is my favorite part about me, but when used on the wrong people, can be taken advantage of without realizing. Over the last couple years I’ve started to gain some awareness around how my servant personality has led to manipulation in relationships of all kinds, crippling anxiety in certain social settings, and destroyed my self image.
I’ve always found myself constantly saying yes to other people’s requests that made me uneasy or apologizing for actions that had no reason to be apologized for. When I would do something that I felt terrible about I would play that interaction over and over in my head, beating myself up for something that I should have never given a second thought. Sometimes these interactions would be on mind for days, months, or years. This was such an engrained habit and I was so ignorant to it that I never even questioned why I would constantly apologize, obsess over mistakes, and always second guess myself.
Eventually what I found was that I was disappointing more and more people because I was saying yes to almost every request, succumbing to the part of me that was terrified of letting someone down. Feeling the emotion of disappointing others was to be avoided at all costs, so I constantly said yes. I started to realize that I’m only human and can only make so many people happy, but the downside to being a servant personality is that we tend to find people who take advantage of our selflessness.
One effect of my servant personality was that I constantly found myself biting my tongue in fear of what the other person would feel if I told them what I really thought. I was terrified of hurting someone with my words, so I held back what I wanted to say. This was a terrible habit because it created a constant anger, boiling within myself, for not being able to speak up and be empowered. The anger was then taken out on other people. I found myself lashing out at my close friends for no reason or avoiding certain people altogether, preventing myself from being in any situation where I might have to bite my tongue.
Perhaps my least favorite part of my servant personality was my paralyzing fear to make a mistake. Whether that mistake was making an error on the baseball field or missing an assignment due date, I had a phobia for making mistakes. The reason why it’s my least favorite part of my servant personality is because there is growth in mistakes, and if I don’t make mistakes in the first place, growth doesn’t happen.
So what are we supposed to do if we have a servant personality, Luke? Great question. First, take the time to think about all the relationships in your life. Ask yourself if the interactions with the people you deal with the most are equal, meaning both parties are getting equal happiness out of and putting equal energy into the relationship? It takes some time because it’s hard to truly take a step back and evaluate relationships, especially with some of the people you care about the most.
Next, start setting some boundaries with yourself and others. You know yourself better than anyone, but you have to be honest with yourself. If after your evaluation of relationships, you have even the slightest uneasiness about a relationship, explore that, and trust your gut. The relationships that make you uneasy, no matter how close you are with the other person, need boundaries. This could mean saying no to things that you truly do not want to. A boundary could also be starting a conversation where you ask questions to bring awareness to the other party. “Do you think that xyz is beneficial for both of us?”
Next, Speak your mind, which I know can be the hardest thing to do for a servant personality, but if you never speak your mind, the relationships that are making you anxious, depressed, angry, etc, are never going to get better. It takes ACTION to change these relationships and to take full advantage of the best part about yourself, your servant personality. Give yourself grace if you continue to bow down to your servant personality because engrained habits are hard to break.
You may lose some people that have been in your life forever, but life is all about change, and sometimes change is the best thing that can happen to someone. Continue to serve others because it is the best trait a person can have, but only serve others who are grateful for your energy, who value and are aware of your ability to serve others. You’ll be a lot happier if you trust that. Good Luck.
With Love,
Luke L., Arizona State University
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