Lara S.
Photography by Mason Schlopy
If you’re reading this, know that being vulnerable is a good thing.
After the passing of my mother when I was 13, I began to struggle deeply with my mental health. When families in town heard about my loss, all I could think about was showing everyone that I was a strong girl who could overcome anything. There were days when getting out of bed didn’t seem possible, but I would remember that I made a promise to myself that no one could know about the bad thoughts in my head --- I convinced myself that hiding my feelings and faking a smile every day was better than admitting that I no longer felt like the extroverted and smiley girl everyone knew.
After taking almost two months off in 7th grade, the first thing that happened upon my return to school was a conversation with my guidance counselor about therapy. I sat in front of her with tears in my eyes, repeating “I’m fine,” before pasting a smile back on my face and walking into my first class. Soon after, my family began discussing therapy options and I was so terrified that my peers would find out. I constantly thought that my classmates would look at me weird, that they would judge me, and that my friends would not want to hang out with me anymore. So I decided not to tell a soul.
As I entered high school, my mental health continued to decline as my obsession with maintaining my bubbly reputation became a hyper-fixation. I would wake up and drag myself out of bed, then flip a switch and be all happy as soon as I got to school, and ultimately end each day more depressed and exhausted than the one before. I specifically remember waking up at sleepovers over the weekend and hiding in the bathroom to take my antidepressants secretly each morning so that my friends wouldn’t notice. This habit of constantly turning “off” my emotions became my new normal. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this wasn’t helping me --- I was hurting myself more each day by acting like everything was perfect rather than accepting that I wasn’t okay.
After years of therapy and medication, I found myself lost in this daily cycle. It wasn’t until one of my good friends opened up about her anxiety that I realized I wasn’t the only one struggling. Although I was freaking out internally, I decided to share my feelings with my friends that night and it suddenly felt like a weight was lifted off of my chest. That was the night I finally realized the importance of being vulnerable. Even though it was not an easy process, I began to let myself really feel my emotions little by little. I realized that I didn't need to be enthusiastic and loud every day. I didn’t need to be talkative and smiley, or perfectly dressed every day. All I really needed to do is allow myself to accept that life was not easy or perfect and realize that talking about my struggles with the people I love can be beneficial.
As many years passed by and I began to be more vocal about my struggles, I finally felt like I was starting to be the real me again and not some fake persona that I could turn on and off. And though I still have some bad days and find it difficult at times to be fully honest about my internal thoughts, I am continuously learning to love being vulnerable. I am learning to open up. I am learning to become a better listener and friend to those who are also struggling.
No matter what your circumstances may be, know that you are strong and it will get better eventually. Know that it is okay to not be okay and no one should judge you for that. Always remember that there is power in being vulnerable and strength in talking about your emotions.
Lara S., Syracuse University
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