Katie M.
Photography by Ally Szabo
If you’re reading this, your story does not have to be perfect.
Going to college, I entered with the mentality that everything in my life had to be perfect. The problem of perfectionism has always haunted me and going into college was not any different. Yet I was not prepared for the semi-truck filled with imperfections that would hit me when I watched my parents drive out of the parking lot my freshman year at Boston College.
My college story is not perfect. I have struggled with an anxiety disorder, bipolar depression, body image struggles, and the fear of never being good enough for years. Fighting so many horrible thoughts in my mind and comparing myself to others became a habit. But to me, I did not want any of that in my new perfect story. I did not want to make it known that I was depressed and anxious all the time because that was not very “perfect” of me. As the fall turned to winter of my freshman year, I was blindly chasing a “perfect” that does not exist. After a long year of struggling to find joy in the college experience, I made the scary decision to transfer to Villanova, which was definitely not part of my perfect college storyline.
The entire summer leading up to this year, I completely lost myself. Starting medication for my anxiety and depression was scary and I felt so overwhelmed by life. Absolutely horrified at starting a new school, I convinced myself that I would never find happiness again, that I was so far gone from the “perfect” life I had always dreamed. It took a lot to get through the day, lots of faking smiles, and many hours spent beating myself up about how I looked, how I acted, and especially how I felt.
As much as you think you need to have it all together, to have that perfect reputation, that perfect Instagram feed so people will like you, you do not. The perfect college experience and the perfect person do not exist, and coming to terms with that took so much weight off my shoulders. The person that sits next to you in psychology class does not have it all together. That group of kids in the dining hall were not judging you. You do not have to feel the need to be perfect all the time. I used to walk everywhere with my head down, nervous that anyone might recognize me and want to say hi, because then what would I do? What if I said hi weirdly, what if I looked bad, what if they didn’t want to say hi to me? These thoughts my anxiety caused left me with many nights lying awake for hours on end thinking of every instance of the day, beating myself up because I was so far from perfect.
What I was dealing with felt exactly like the opposite of what I wanted. There were so many times where I felt so alone in a room full of people, so insecure about the way I looked, and so unbelievably sad. Social situations were impossible for me, and I was so mean to myself about how I got to this place that I felt so far from myself. I was so scared of showing my vulnerable self to others because I felt weak. But I realized, mental health struggles do not make you imperfect. It helped me realize that never feeling good enough stemmed from wanting to be perfect, something that doesn’t exist. Through this, I learned how strong I was and the support I had around me. As a reminder to everyone: you are stronger than you think you are, your life does not have to look like everyone else’s, and you are such a badass. In the wise words of Hannah Montana, “Nobody’s perfect” and my hope for you is that you believe this as much as I have grown to.
Katie M., Villanova University
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