Haley D.
Photography by Jessica Pentel.
If you’re reading this, I hope you’ll stop pretending that you’re okay.
I would love to hear what you have to say, and to know who you really are behind that exterior. Here’s some of my story, to maybe inspire you to get started on sharing yours.
I came from a small town, a small high school, and even smaller communities within those places. Everybody saw me back then, not necessarily for who I was, but at least they saw me. And after all, we all desire to be seen and known in some capacity. But here at UVA, I disappeared, just as so many of us think we do. We become another face in the crowd, and our trials and tribulations are often invalidated to normal experiences of a UVA student.
Mental illnesses make this experience infinitely more painful, especially on these grounds. In the midst of my worst depressive episode in 6 years this semester, I wondered how it was possible that nobody knew that I was in so much pain. Even my own UVA-provided therapist told me she wasn’t worried about me. I think it was supposed to make me feel better, but instead, it made me feel even more invisible than I already did. I was just craving for somebody to see me, and to see the insurmountable battle that I was facing.
I blamed the world for not seeing me, and part of me still does. But in reality, I had crafted a wonderfully fool-proof exterior that masked my chronic mental illness. Nobody saw that I was in the midst of a dangerous depressive episode because I kept a full face of makeup, well kept outfits, endless smiles, and lots of laughter in my armory. I was hiding behind this put together exterior, wishfully thinking that maybe I could ‘fake it till I make it.’ I couldn’t even tell my own therapist or mom how bad it was. Maybe if I downplayed just how bad my mental illness was, it wouldn’t screw up my life quite as bad. Maybe I could trick myself into wanting to do this whole life thing if I just looked the part and played the role.
The tricky thing about playing that role is that it is utterly exhausting, especially when your energy is already depleted from mental illness. For so many years, I have tied my chronic mental illness up with a satin bow and walked with a smile on my face. But mental illness is messy, ugly, unpredictable, painful, and complicatedly horrible. Truthfully, I am tired of pretending that I have it all together. None of us do; we are all hurting in some way or another. Whether it’s a mental illness, financial hardship, failure at school, family/relationship problems, or all of the above - we all have our thing that makes it a little (or a lot) harder to get out of bed in the morning.
So let’s stop competing with each other regarding who can ‘pretend better.’ Let’s be more vulnerable, even if it’s terrifying. Let’s be honest about the pains in our hearts, the failures that we’ve had, the fears that we hold, and the hardships that we’re facing. Let’s stop hiding; it's okay to be not okay. We each have our own stories, all of which are incredibly unique. I want to hear all of them. So if you’re reading this, I hope you’ll let your walls down. I would love to hear what you have to say.
Haley D., University of Virginia
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