Hailey C.
Photography by Caroline MacLaren
Please note: In this letter, I discuss my experience with suicide. If you believe this topic will be triggering for you, I encourage you to take care of yourself and be prepared to access any resources you may need. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255 or at suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
If you’re reading this, it is really time to talk about suicide.
“Smiley.” “Smiles.” “Dimples.” “Happy Hailey.”
These are just a few of the nicknames I’ve been given throughout my life. Anyone who has spoken to me for more than one minute knows I have a propensity towards smiling… a lot of the time I don’t even realize I’m smiling. I’ve even been told I have the opposite of a resting b*tch face. Long story short, I am known by my friends, family, teachers, and peers as the girl who’s always smiling (and often giggling).
Despite my cheerful, happy-go-lucky appearance, I, like everyone else, am not always happy.
I, like many others, live with mental illness.
I, like many others, suffer from major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and ADHD.
I, like many others, struggle with suicidal ideation (S.I.).
I, like more people than you know, have attempted suicide.
On February 21, 2021, I attempted to take my own life. For months leading up to this day, my previously automatic smile felt impossible to muster. My family, friends, and teachers knew I was struggling with mental health issues, but not how much. Faking my familiar smile was easier than admitting to those I love, and who love me, that I wanted to die.
In my therapy sessions, I had discussed my S.I. I disclosed my thoughts and feelings to both my therapist (psychologist) and psychiatrist. Between these two, I felt I told everyone I needed to tell. While disclosure to my doctors was completely necessary, it wasn’t enough. No one in my life, myself included, had anticipated the possibility of my attempt. But it happened.
I was admitted to the Psychiatric Unit at Bryn Mawr hospital for a week following my attempt. It was only after I was released that I had fully disclosed to my loved ones how I had been feeling. My reluctance to share, however, had nothing to do with my support system. I have the best support system in the entire world, and I am blessed. My reluctance to reach out had nothing to do with myself. I was fighting this battle as best I could.
I was scared to reach out because talking about suicide is hard for most people. For those who struggle with S.I., I know how hard it is to admit to yourself, let alone other people, that you want to take your own life. For those who don’t struggle with S.I., knowing what to say or do when someone discloses their thoughts to you seems impossible. I wouldn’t even know exactly what to say.
This is why we need to talk about suicide. It’s always been time, but it's really time. We need to create a safe space at Villanova, in our homes, and in our social circles, where talking about suicide is not taboo. We all need to work together to cultivate an open dialogue around the subject, supplemented by sensitivity, compassion, and knowledge of resources.
Today, I am here to talk about suicide. I am alive. For me, sharing my story is empowering. Suicide did not, and will not, take me. If you’re reading this, it's time to talk about suicide, because that talk could save a life.
Hailey C., Villanova University
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