Grace R.

Photography by Mason Schlopy

If you’re reading this, you are beautiful just the way you are.

Throughout my life, I have constantly struggled with body image and confidence. Growing up, I was an athlete, constantly moving and exercising, yet I still felt insecure about how I looked. When I reached the 5th grade, I started to notice that my body did not look like my friends. They were thin, shorter, had clear skin and were all around everything I was not. I was taller, heavier, had acne and braces and felt all around not beautiful.

Until college, I only went to small Catholic schools. I was bullied for my appearance in grade school. My nickname in my family when I was younger was “Chubby Bunny,” which I found humor in, but later realized how much it would hurt me. In 7th grade, after I lost my baby weight, got my braces off and my skin cleared up, I finally started to feel like I was blending in with my peers. I truly never thought anything dangerous would come from these feelings, until I started my junior year of high school. 

During quarantine, I put on weight due to depression. My boyfriend at the time would constantly tell me to “start eating better” or “start going to the gym.” All of these words started to weigh on my mind, and eventually led to my struggle with body dysmorphia. After ending this relationship, I started to eat less and workout more. Every day, I would eat one meal, continue my intense soccer schedule, and work out more. I started dropping weight, but still felt so insecure and ugly. My friends at the time also struggled with unhealthy eating habits, which only enabled and worsened my problem.

I can still remember the day when I realized I had an eating disorder that had consumed my mind and life. I saw my cousin for the first time in a while, and as soon as she saw me, she started crying. I knew this was not normal. I knew my drastic weight loss warranting that reaction from someone whose opinion I value so much was not normal. I knew all of the damage I had done not only to my body, but to my mental health was not normal, yet I felt the need to continue my unhealthy lifestyle.

During senior year of high school, things started to change. I educated myself on the harm I was causing to my body and started to develop a better mindset, diet, and workout routine. Although the thoughts of me not being good enough still ate away at me, I tried my best to push through and continue my road to recovery.

When I first started at Syracuse, my progress started to regress. After going through a heartbreak and depression, once again, I felt that I would never be good enough and put a heavy emphasis on people’s opinions of me. This continued until I finally met my real friends at Syracuse. This topic is one that I have never spoken about or even discussed with my friends. Little do they know, surrounding myself with them has pulled me out of the awful mindset I struggled with. Seeing how each of us uplifts each other, motivates each other to be healthier, and just being around positive, amazing people who pay little mind to others opinions truly gave me the courage to grow into the confident and healthy woman I am today. 

Something that I have learned during my time at Syracuse is that our perceptions of ourselves are so beyond different from those of the people around us. After looking at myself every day, I tend to point out when I think I look “bloated,” or “ugly.” However, having people around you who are constantly motivating and uplifting you really showed another perspective that made me realize I was putting way too much pressure on myself to always be “perfect.” 

I am finally at a point in my life where I am not only confident in my appearance but also able to recognize that outside beauty can only do so much if you are not beautiful on the inside. Life is so much more than being the “skinniest” and the “prettiest,” but it is about living a happy, healthy life that is fulfilling in a positive way. After my years of struggling with body dysmorphia and an eating disorder, I have finally been able to pull myself out of the hole I was falling down. If there is anything to take away from my story, it is that recovery is not easy, but it is so possible. Living a life that is healthy and based on more than superficiality is attainable if you accept yourself for who you are, be kind to yourself and others, and surround yourself with people who truly want to see you thrive.

Grace R., Syracuse University

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