Ella R.
Please note: In this letter, there is discussion of suicidal ideation, and a reference to disordered eating. If you think you may find this content triggering, please consider reading one of the other letters of IfYoureReadingThis.org, or prepare to access any support systems or resources you find helpful.
If you’re reading this, do not let anyone invalidate or belittle your feelings and emotions.
I was in 4th grade when I first started feeling down. I remember laying in bed wondering why I felt so sad all the time and why other kids seemed to have so many friends and be so happy and carefree. I felt like there had to be something wrong with me.
Over the next few years, these feelings intensified. I constantly felt miserable, but I could never pinpoint a reason. I spent a lot of time crying and feeling awful about myself. In middle school, I started developing severe anxiousness and low self-esteem. The tiniest things would trigger episodes of extreme anxiety. I had meltdowns almost weekly. In 8th grade, I saw a doctor and I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.
In high school, these feelings continued. I received medication and treatment, but I still struggled. Things like getting out of bed, going to school, and maintaining friendships were incredibly hard. My illnesses caused a variety of other issues, such as disordered eating, obsessive thoughts and fixations, dissociations, a tendency to isolate myself, and even throwing up from stress. I didn’t have things that I looked forward to or made me happy. There were times I wanted to take my life because I felt so hopeless. I wished that there was a way that I didn't have to be in so much pain.
During my first year of college, I was excited to be away from home, living on my own and part of a sorority. However, I still struggled with being social, making friends, and managing my illness. I sometimes found myself so overwhelmed and anxious from academic and sorority life that I was breaking down crying in my room and getting physically sick to my stomach.
Throughout my life dealing with these internal struggles, many people have not been supportive or understanding. My feelings have been shot down and invalidated more times than I can count. People told me that I was just being difficult and I should be more grateful for the great life that I had. People have said to me “you’re being too sensitive, toughen up,” “you just need to have a better attitude,” or even “maybe it's just your time of the month.” I’ve heard people make insensitive jokes about suicide, things like “it’s a coward’s way out” or “they’re being selfish.” People think that if you are wealthy, go on vacations, have loving parents, go to a good college, or have lots of friends, then you can’t be depressed or suicidal.
These things are not true. My feelings and struggles with mental health come from a real, diagnosed mental illness. I recognize my struggles as symptoms of an illness, and I am working every day to overcome my illness and make the most of my life. I have been through a lot, and I am so proud that I am still here today, attending college, having friends, dating, and just living to see what each new day brings. Anyone who thinks I am making it up, being dramatic, or faking it for attention is very wrong, and all I can do is ignore them.
If you’re reading this, do not let anyone invalidate or belittle your feelings and emotions. Everyone has times that they feel especially sad, worthless, anxious, or alone; some people more than others. Having these strong emotions is valid. You are not being dramatic or overly emotional. Don’t feel ashamed to take as much time as you need to focus on yourself and on feeling better, and don't be afraid to reach out for professional help. You are so valid, justified, and worthy, and you have so much potential and so much to look forward to.
Ella R., Georgia Tech
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